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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

Chap.. ZZ... Copyright No. 

Shelf.,.HM. 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 







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Christian jetlquette 








MRS. S. M. I. HENRY 






REVIEW AND HERALD PUB. CO. 
Battle Creek, Mich. 
Chicago, III., Toronto, Ont., Atlanta, Ga. 







TWO COPIES RECEIVED, 

Library of Coi8grei% 

Offlae o f xtiQ 

FEB 12 1900 

iiegisUr of Copyright* 



55899 



Copyright, 1900, by 
MRS. S. M. I. HENRY. 



preface 



Let no one who shall do me the honor to 
read this little book suppose that I have been 
"laying down a lot of rules." The most 
that I have attempted is to point out some 
of those regulations which the experiences of 
thoughtful men and women of the world have 
found necessary to good social order, as well 
as some of those things that a long expe- 
rience in work for the unfortunate has dis- 
covered as requisite to the prevention of 
scandals and consequent ostracism. 

To have seen conscientious young men 
and women struggling against the awful cur- 
rent of popular reproach because of certain 
things in conduct which, while innocent to 
them, have inevitably aroused suspicion in 
a suspicious world, is to at least wish to help 
those who have asked help, or who are will- 
ing to receive it, to the end that they may 

iii 



preface 



iv 



acquire that sort of knowledge which shall 
enable them to avoid such peril and con- 
tempt. 

The questions which appear in these pages 
are bona fide questions, written and sent to 
me by those who asked them for themselves 
or others. The positions taken are all based 
on what I believe to be principles which 
must lie at the foundation of any social life 
that would keep itself unspotted from the 
world, and which can be used as a testimony 
to the gospel in the sight of a wicked and 
untoward generation. 

I have not written for the world. Many 
writers have done that. Nor have I written 
for the nominal Christian; but for those who 
are earnestly looking for the best means of 
serving God and humanity, while they are 
also looking for that blessed hope, — the glo- 
rious appearing of our Lord. 

S. M. L Henry. 



(Boob jform* 



L 

"/^OOD FORM" is especially a society 
phrase, but it is full of meaning, such 
as has a direct bearing on even the life and 
walk of a missionary. It is of sufficient im- 
portance to engage the attention of any who 
would become cultured, and is practical and 
simple enough to become a subject of study 
in the most common, isolated home, in which 
children are growing up. 

It is in good and bad form that is found 
a large share of all that difference which 
distinguishes the lady or gentleman from 
the slattern and the boor ; and in the con- 
sideration given to this question of manners 
it is once again true that "the children of 
this world are wiser than the children of 
light. " Luke 16 : 8. 



(Boob jform. 



4 



One of the first efforts that men or women 
will make if they have an "ax to grind," or 
" something to borrow," will be to appear 
well. If they have anything "to push," an 
advantage to secure, which makes it neces- 
sary that some influential people shall be 
"won over" to some certain way of think- 
ing, they will study every movement, turn, 
and word; learn tact, self-control, or any- 
thing else by which they can hope to succeed. 

Many a man has practised facial expres- 
sion for hours before a mirror, not for amuse- 
ment, but for Justness; to the end that he 
might tone down or eradicate certain lines 
which would make an unfavorable impres- 
sion upon those whom he met, and has care- 
fully cultivated in their place those that would 
be sure to give him a better introduction 
among those whom he intended to use to 
his own profit or pleasure. This is con- 
stantly done in the interests of self, and has 
often resulted in forwarding those mercenary 



s 



<3oo& jform* 



and sometimes criminal ends for which it 
was designed. 

For the same purpose men learn grace of 
carriage, — how to enter and leave a room, 
how to moderate every tone ; and practise 
laboriously in private, to fix as habit any- 
thing which they believe to be desirable, and 
eradicate anything that would be a hindrance, 
so that they may never be taken off guard 
by any rush of feeling, and so jeopardize 
the selfish interests which are at stake. 

For the same end little children are put 
into training of the most exacting sort, and 
grow up almost perfect copies of some great 
master in certain forms which, while in them- 
selves empty, yet are like buckets, capable of 
holding anything. And until Christians are 
willing to labor as faithfully to become win- 
some themselves, and train their children to 
do the best of all work in the best of all 
forms, they have not yet come to love the 
truth as the world loves self, 



<5oo& tfotm. 



6 



The truth is to be carried to all people, 
high and low. A boor, who loves the truth, 
and who is filled with the Holy Spirit, may 
do a good work in some lines. If he has 
had no opportunities to know how to carry 
himself among men, except such knowledge 
as comes by being a Christian, God will 
keep him where he can be used, and will use 
him to his glory, and give him sheaves to 
bring home at last. 

" Be a Christian " is an easy answer to 
the question, " How shall I conduct myself 
in such and such a case? " But a man may 
be a Christian, and yet, for the lack of some 
specific instruction in certain forms of pro- 
cedure, perpetrate a blunder which will 
bring the laugh from the profane whom he 
wished to arouse to sober thought ; or make 
a mistake, such as will carry and widely 
scatter a serious misunderstanding by which 
Christ will be reproached and his work 
hindered. 



7 



<5oo& jform. 



I am confident that in every home among 
all good Christian people there is a genuine 
desire to attain to the best training in every- 
thing that will make this best of all work go 
swiftly to the ends of the earth ; but I am 
also sure that many have failed to appreciate 
that "the cause " has a right to be carried 
by the most perfect methods to which it is 
possible to attain. The truth is worthy of 
the best of all "good form " in home, church, 
and social life. Good form does not con- 
sist so much in putting on, as in putting off — 
keeping off — those things in deportment, 
speech, and association which are espe- 
cially ungraceful, unwinsome, incorrect, and 
improper. 

Social good form, although it seems to be 
of the world, worldly, represents just what 
Christ would do if he were living among 
men and women in ordinary social relations. 
The world has taken the best that worldly 
wisdom can comprehend of the Christ-life, 



<5oo& tfovm. 



8 



and carefully embodied it in a certain code 
to which it professes to hold itself; to which 
it does hold itself in public, whatever it may 
do behind the scenes. 

It is manifestly true that the man who has 
the mind of Christ ought to grow, apple-tree 
fashion, as much of courtesy, gentleness, 
and all that goes to make an agreeable ap- 
pearance, as the world can possibly buy in 
the market of good manners, tie on and wear, 
Christmas-tree fashion. 

It is by his first appearance that the col- 
porteur will open or close a door to the truth 
which he carries in a book, or in samples of 
health food. His manner in the homes 
where he is entertained, in public, on the 
train, the street, at camp-meeting, or on the 
platform, will close or open the hearts of 
even the hungry to the spiritual food which 
the minister is sent forth to serve in the 
Master's name. The manner of those who 
occupy the field will play no insignificant 



9 



©oo5 tfovtn. 



part in the work of building up the school, 
the college, the mission, and in reaching the 
uttermost parts with the gospel; and since 
the children now under training in the homes 
of Christian workers must have a share in 
the work of God in this time when it means 
more than it ever did for the servants of God 
to carry weights and hindrances, it seems a 
good thing to take up the consideration of 
what constitutes "Good Form," or practical 
Christian conduct. 

I have had my attention called to this 
subject by questions from young people, as 
well as parents; and this message concerning 
how to meet people and handle the things of 
this mundane sphere is to both parent and 
child, boys, girls, and young people, who 
are preparing for earnest work in the world. 



n. 

Social life is important to the young; it 
can not be safely ignored in school life, 
therefore I must have these interests in mind 
as I write, and shall hope to help both the 
anxious parent and the thoughtful young 
student who would know how to do the right 
thing at all times. 

It is, however, a great deal more impor- 
tant to be than to do\ for it is out of the 
being that the doing must come. The point 
requiring the most anxious consideration is 
that we may learn to truly know and love 
the principle upon which safe conduct 
depends. 

He who loves purity for its own sake — 
who hates impurity because of its vileness, 
instead of for the painful consequences which 
follow its practise, will never go very far 
astray from those manners which are of good 
report in any society on earth. He will 



II 



<SooD jform 



instinctively avoid the appearance of evil as 
far as he knows how evil appears. 

There are a few principles which are 
always a safeguard and defense to those who 
will be controlled by them, which if woven 
into familiar thought will render correctness 
in the details of conduct spontaneous and 
inevitable. And yet circumstances may 
modify this fact. It is sometimes slow work 
to get hold of a principle; and some specific 
teaching as to just what to do, and what not 
to do, will often be a great help to even 
those who are pure of heart, and have a 
mind to avoid the appearance of evil. 

Every detail of life must take note of the 
fact that the human unit called man was 
created male and female, and must begin his 
earthly career as boy and girl, each at best 
but a half of this unit. This, with many 
correlated facts, must be kept before us in 
the process of training. Up to a certain 
period boys and girls can play together and 



(Soo& jform. 



12 



associate with perfect unconsciousness of any 
difference between them, but the careful 
parent and teacher must be alert with refer- 
ence to the time when nature awakens, after 
which their association can only be safely 
on two lines, — Christian work and general 
good fellowship; and these always under the 
chaperonage of some reliable and mature 
woman. This is especially necessary in all 
lines of work to which Christian young peo- 
ple in these days of special activity among 
the youth would be urged, such as missionary 
meetings, cottage meetings, Sabbath-school, 
house-to-house visiting. Without such chap- 
eronage, boys and girls, young men and 
young women, should never go together, even 
in Christian work; but girls by themselves, 
and boys by themselves. 

This is made necessary by the fact that 
nature has been perverted, that the enemy 
of all purity has taken possession 6f every 
avenue of thought, even from the cradle, 



13 



6oo& jform 



and has filled the mind of childhood with 
unprofitable imaginings, for which the only 
cure is the knowledge of the truth pure and 
simple, adapted to their comprehension, and 
such opportunities for association as shall 
make them mutual helps without stimulating 
that self-consciousness that leads to curiosity 
and evil suggestion. 

Any allusion which would give the chil- 
dren an idea of the anxious thoughts which 
you entertain for them should be studiously 
avoided. Teach and practise them in all 
which constitutes true decorum while they 
are still too young to understand its signifi- 
cance and necessity, so that when the time 
comes that the youth shall need "good 
form " habits for the protection of a good 
name, he will have them already, as a part 
of that second nature which good breeding 
produces. The first teaching will naturally 
apply without any reference to sex differ- 
ences, to that conduct which should prevail 



<Boo& jform* i* 



between a company of girls and boys each 
in companies by themselves. 

First, as to manners in public. Boys and 
girls should grow up with the idea that it is 
a great deal nicer for girls to keep each 
other company, and for boys to do the 
same, than for boys and girls to go together. 
Teach your boy to protect the girls of his 
acquaintance from any annoyance which his 
presence anywhere could produce. Make 
him understand that carefulness in this re- 
gard is the beginning of genuine manliness. 
Teach both boys and girls to be reserved 
and modest in their deportment toward all 
other boys and girls alike, boys toward boys, 
and girls toward girls. That boisterous fa- 
miliarity among boys together is so unbe- 
coming as always to breed contempt. 

By this I would not have my readers infer 
that good form in behavior must in the least 
interfere with the "good times" that chil- 
dren and youth ought to enjoy. It does not 



*5 



<3oot> form 



prevent that happy freedom which can alone 
make real ' ' play " possible. Running, jump- 
ing, climbing trees, shouting, hallooing, can 
all be done without any violation of a single 
principle of good form as applied to childhood 
life. The trouble is that many parents and 
teachers have the idea that any form of con- 
duct to be "good" must be grown-up and 
gray-headed, whereas one of the very worst 
of bad forms is for a child to appear old. 
Good form, the genuine sort, like every other 
good thing, will admit of any conduct which 
will promote strength of body, soul, and 
spirit. Real strength, which must always in- 
clude the whole being, is perfectly safe, and 
a perpetual source of joy in the Holy Guest. 
Many popular plays and games, however, are 
so far removed from every principle which 
should control action and association, that 
they can not be indulged without rudeness, 
brutality, and in many cases that sort of 
familiarity which leads to immorality, and 



(Boofc jForm, 16 



should be thrown into the heap with all 
other bad manners. 

It is bad form for two, three, or more per- 
sons to walk in an irregular huddle on the 
street, as children sometimes do, going back- 
ward facing the rear of the procession in or- 
der that conversation may be carried on. 
Even young children should be taught that 
the running, leaping, jumping, loud talking 
and laughter, which would be all right in the 
back yard, on some playground, or in the 
open country, is never to be indulged on the 
public street; that the moment the street is 
reached the deportment should become quiet, 
and have thoughtful reference to the comfort 
of the public. 

They should understand the obvious rea- 
sons for this: A running child is practically 
a blind and deaf one ; he must have plenty 
of room, or he will be almost sure to collide 
with something or somebody; in town will 
be in danger of teams or cars. The rule for 



17 



<3oo& jform 



the street should be : Steady, quiet, careful, 
eyes to the front, no loud talking or laugh- 
ing, no play, no swapping of knives, no 
reading, no chewing or eating, no clearing 
the throat or spitting if it can possibly be 
avoided. If this last is impossible, let it 
be done in the most unobtrusive manner, 
behind a kerchief ; in short, let nothing be 
done which would inevitably draw the atten- 
tion of passers-by, causing special notice 
and comment. 

The craze for notoriety manifests itself in 
a thousand repulsive forms of street beha- 
vior, through which the grossest temptations 
attack the untaught and careless ; and those 
parents who would protect their children 
from many nameless dangers must teach 
them good form as applied to street life. 

Nowhere does good breeding reveal itself 
more quickly than in the qu i# et, unobtrusive 
" I-am-minding-my-own-business " air of the 
girl or boy, who, with an armful of books 



<5oo& jform. is 



held closely, looking neither to the right nor 
to the left, clips to and from school ; or if 
walking and talking together by twos, it is 
with steady carriage and voices so modulated 
that no passer-by will overhear a word, nor 
think of being jostled. 

Children should be taught by both word 
and example that when they are about to 
meet any person on the street they should 
fall back into single file at the right, while 
still far enough distant as to obviate all 
danger of interference. Who has not found 
himself caught on the street in a mob of 
schoolgirls or boys, often both together, who 
needlessly monopolize the walk, as with loud 
talking, wrangling, jesting, jaws working at 
both words and gum, they publish as upon 
the housetop the utter lack of good form in 
the homes from which they have come ? 
The first blame for this disgusting spectacle 
always falls upon the children ; but in truth 
it all belongs to the homes out of which they 



*9 



<5ooD jform 



have tumbled pell-mell without that instruc- 
tion and those fixed habits which would have 
insured decorum and decency. 

Every child should be taught to give cour- 
teous recognition to acquaintances. The 
boys should lift the cap to each other as well 
as to their elders, always to father and 
mother, if they chance to meet them on the 
street ; and the girls by some modest femi- 
nine salute of bow or word. But some one 
may object that it seems "far-fetched" to 
train boys to this formal mannerism. To 
which I reply in the old adage that the "boy 
is father of the man." The man in every 
relation in life will follow the lead of boyish 
habits unless indeed in the interests of some 
great conviction or self-interest he makes 
all things new. This can be done, but even 
then the traces of early habits will often 
remain to bring shame and confusion at 
some critical point when pleasure or profit 
are at stake, 



in. 

The social life of boys and girls shouldbe 
recognized and provided for as a department 
of the school in which they shall become 
educated in those things which make for 
social righteousness and purity later on. As 
boys treat each other, they will, as a rule, 
treat each other as men. As boys and girls 
behave toward each other, so will they as a 
rule behave as men and women. Courtesy 
is necessary to the highest degree of success 
in any enterprise. The boy who is habitu- 
ally courteous toward other boys will be suc- 
cessful in winning his way as a man among 
men with any important message with which 
he may be commissioned; and if he is so 
instructed that he is gentle, considerate, and 
true to his mother, sisters, and girl associates, 
he will be a safe friend as a man, a represen- 
tative of Christ to his own wife and children, 
and help to make that home which must 
stand as a witness for God in the last days. 

29 



2i <5oo& jform 



The children in whose interests I am wri- 
ting must be in a peculiar sense messengers 
of light to the world. They will be on the 
field of action in the very last scenes of the 
earth's history, when souls must be snatched 
by a power of which we have little com- 
prehension — the power to win quickly; the 
power to reveal the truth as in a flash of 
light, so that it will be recognized at sight 
by the bewildered, desperate soul that has 
awakened at the last moment to its peril and 
privilege, and with scant space for repent- 
ance and cleansing, cries out for help; and 
the Holy Spirit must find somewhere those 
whom he can train and use for the service 
which in those days must be done to reach 
every creature, high as well as low, with 
the gospel. 

The truth is worthy of the best possible 
investment. Its messengers should be free 
from every offensive habit, custom, and 
manner — thoroughly equipped in all that is 



<Soo& jform* 22 



most graceful, most scholarly, as genuine 
Christian scholarship goes ; most refined, 
most chaste, and agreeable in both public 
and private intercourse. They should be 
the most suitably, and that means the most 
simply and tastefully, dressed. 

The theory of the world considers as 
"good form" that each individual should 
dress according to the class which he repre- 
sents ; and the Christian who conscientiously 
and consistently dresses as his name " Chris- 
tian" would indicate that he should dress, 
will be respected by even the frivolous " but- 
terfly of fashion," and will stand a good 
chance of a hearing by that same "butterfly," 
even in the most solemn message, provided 
it is accompanied with the simple, easy 
courtesy of good breeding, such as can not 
be suddenly assumed "for effect," but which 
is the result of life-long training. There are 
honest souls among so-called "social but- 
terflies," and some workers must be trained 



23 



<Soo& jform 



to go out into the highways where they flit 
away their hopeless lives, as well as into the 
byways and hedges, where social wrecks are 
huddled in darkness and desolation. 

The men and women who must do this 
work are now boys and girls in our homes 
or schools, and very much which shall de- 
termine the scope of their influence depends 
upon what the Spirit of God shall find avail- 
able in them for use. A truly well-trained, 
courteous man or woman can be used any- 
where, among any people; while the uncouth 
and untrained must be kept in a limited 
sphere. The truly cultured man or woman 
whose every gift and grace has been sancti- 
fied and consecrated, will be more sure to 
know what to do in the homes of the wretched 
and the haunts of vice for the alleviation of 
distress and the saving of a soul than those 
who have never thought it worth while to 
cultivate winsome qualities. 

God has so arranged human life and rela 



(BooO jform. 24 



tions that even the most aristocratic and 
exclusive must take note of, and plan for do- 
ing, the same every-day things that are alike 
common to all; and the only question of 
deportment which can ever come between 
the uncouth and the refined, concerns the 
methods of doing these same most common 
things. 

The mother in the humblest home, with 
the most meager opportunities, if she has a 
high enough appreciation of the mission to 
which her child is called as a representative 
of the precious " faith of Jesus," can, in 
him, place at the disposal of the Holy Spirit 
such graces of gentleness, such a beauty of 
holiness, such winsome kindliness, such tact 
and address, as shall open the way for anything 
which he has to bring. But to do this she 
must begin with the child in his relation to 
the other children of his own age with whom 
he stands on an equal footing. To treat 
with deference and politeness only those 



25 



(5ooO jForm* 



who because of age or position are recog- 
nized as his superiors, would train the child 
to sychophancy. 

The man who can lead other men, except by 
some appeal to selfish or brutal passion, is very 
hard to find. A ( i man's way " has passed into 
proverb, and stands for heedlessness as re- 
gards his treatment of his equals. His natural 
sense of pity will make him kind to the help- 
less, provided he can afford it; he will be 
respectful to the respectable because his own 
respectability requires it; and his general 
interest will lead him to court those who are 
in a position to bestow favors; but to be all 
that a consecrated Christian companion 
might be to those who are on the same plane 
with himself, or who are so outlawed by 
public sentiment that no accuser but con- 
science would arise against him for any 
wrong done to them, is the point of 
failure in the association of men with men 
and women, and is the result of an almost 



6oo£> jForm. ^ 



universal idea that ''boys don't need to be 
so very polite to each other," nor "so very 
particular" as to just how they talk when 
alone among themselves, and that the silly 
girl or "fallen " among women is legitimate 
prey for any man. 

It is by "behavior " that men and women 
are protected from, or exposed to, especial 
and peculiar temptations, as well as made 
more or less effective in truth-teaching and 
soul-winning. 

It may seem ridiculous to make the use 
of a handkerchief the subject of grave con- 
sideration, but it is a terrible fact that this 
little scrap of linen has become more dan- 
gerous than dynamite to the thoughtless girl 
in her teens who, for lack of proper teach- 
ing, picks up the little tricks of street flirta- 
tion, which have so defiled it that it has 
become almost indecent to handle it outside 
the seclusion of one's own room. 

Let a bright-faced girl take her handker- 



27 



6oo6 Jfotm. 



chief in hand on the street of even a small 
country village, and she will immediately be- 
come the center of attraction to every lewd 
fellow who haunts public places, until he has 
found out what she intends to do with it ; 
and the code of signals for which it is em- 
ployed is of such a character that the most 
innocent may be charged with a lewd invita- 
tion by what might seem to be its necessary 
use. 

The same is true concerning the sound 
made by clearing the throat and nasal pas- 
sages, and coughing. These are all used as 
signals of vice \ and many a giddy, but inno- 
cent girl has found herself in -situations of 
great humiliation and danger, simply because 
she had not been forearmed with a little 
knowledge as to proper conduct in these 
matters. 

Good form requires that the handkerchief 
be carried in the pocket out of sight ; never 
brought out in public excepting in a case of 



<SooJ> tfovm. 28 



necessity, and then used as unobtrusively 
as possible. The importance of this matter 
is sufficient to warrant repetition even to line 
upon line and precept upon precept. 

Those who will be able to do the best 
service in the closing work of the world's 
history, to win the richest trophies for our 
coming King, will be those who, together 
with the "commandments of God and the 
faith of Jesus," and the fulness of the Holy 
Spirit, will know and observe in deportment 
that which the world recognizes as good 
form. 



IV. 



The whole social problem, as regards pure 
living, home-making, and domestic com- 
fort, depends on how young people, as such, 
shall deport themselves toward each other. 

Some good people have seemed to sup- 
pose that, provided the children were con- 
verted, everything else would take care of 
itself, so that any specific instruction in 
"manners" must be superfluous, if not fool- 
ish. This is a fallacy of the same order as 
that which assumes that if a man is called of 
God to preach the gospel he needs no edu- 
cation or preparation, only to stand up, 
open his mouth, and give his vocal organs a 
chance to play, leaving God to do the rest; 
when the fact is that God will make good 
use of every faculty, and all the culture that 
is provided for him, but of no more. The 
name Christian should stand for the very 
best that is possible in education. Many a 
29 



(Boob jform, 30 



Christian man has brought reproach on 
the name of Christ, not because his heart 
was bad, but because his manners were. 
Many a woman of pure purpose, who would 
not have committed a gross act for the 
world, has alienated her husband, made her 
neighbors suspicious, and lost her good 
name, just because she did not know what 
things were of good report, and therefore 
what must be of evil report. And these 
disasters resulted from lack of proper train- 
ing in the early home on some points that 
seem too trivial to think about twice, and 
which, doubtless, many will feel have no 
place in a dignified discussion anywhere. 
And yet since these small things concern so 
much of weal or woe, so much of honor or 
shame, we may well afford to take time for 
their consideration. 

One of the things most commonly seen, 
and about which all the world smiles, is a 
boy and girl standing on opposite sides of 



3i 



<5oo5 jform 



the gate which opens toward her home. 
They have walked from school or church to- 
gether, she has entered and closed the gate, 
and paused a moment for another word; he 
has taken this as an invitation to linger, and 
so they stand laughingly or seriously chat- 
ting, sometimes long after dark. The world 
calls it coquetry, but the young people do 
not mean it as such; to them it is probably 
far removed from every evil thought. They 
are innocent and honest; but you can not 
make the world, that is looking for evil, be- 
lieve that they are not consciously flirting. 
It will estimate them accordingly, and soon 
begin to say, " That girl knows quite as much 
as she ought to ; " and the good Chris- 
tian people of the community will grow 
afraid of her as an associate for their daugh- 
ters, even if those same daughters do the 
same thing. 

These children have seen older young 
people, perhaps mother and the minister, 



(5oo5 jform. 32 



stand and talk and laugh in the same way. 
Some may ask, "Well, why not?" Be- 
cause it is not good form, because a bad 
social savor attaches to it, because, no mat- 
ter who does it, unless they are very aged, 
or are, like Caesar's wife, absolutely above 
suspicion (and who can venture to assume 
such a thing for himself), they will lose in 
dignity, suffer in reputation, become the 
butt of some sly joke from the class of peo- 
ple who need the help that can only be 
given by men and women who do not " al- 
low their good to be evil spoken of. " 

If children and young people form the 
habit of stopping to talk at the gate, they 
will do it as men and women; and by doing 
it, draw the evil eye, and invite gossip. 
Teach your boy and girl that good form re- 
quires that when they arrive at the gate, if 
they wish to continue the conversation, 
both should go on into the house together; 
or that, after he has opened the gate and 



33 



<3oo0 jfotm. 



closed it after her, she should promptly say 
" Good morning, " or " Good evening," and 
he should as promptly lift his hat, and walk 
away. If they enter the house together, 
good form requires that he, if he be young 
or old, should receive a family greeting, 
and that the members of the family shall be 
free to come to the parlor or sitting-room to 
which he has been taken, to remain and 
share in the conversation if they wish, until 
the call is ended. 

Two young people should never suppose 
that they must sit in a parlor with closed 
doors ; that father, mother, and every one 
else must be kept out of the way because 
Nellie's friend (never call him a beau) has 
come to spend the evening. They should 
never consider it possible to extend that 
evening into and past the large hours of the 
night. This is one of Satan's most fruitful 
wrecking devices, of which the young peo- 
ple will never think, themselves, unless their 



(BooD jform* 34 



training has tended to push them off away 
from their natural social guides, and keep 
bad social models before them. 

When the boy, or young man, comes to 
spend an evening because you have a daugh- 
ter, give him just as much of yourself as 
possible \ make yourself so indispensable to 
the young people that they will naturally 
come to you wherever you prefer to sit, 
rather than try to entertain each other with- 
out you. This is not an unheard of thing, 
although one will sometimes hear Christian 
people answer to this teaching as if it 
were very extreme indeed. 

"How then will a young man be able to 
say anything special to the girl ? " To which 
it may be answered that if he is not able to 
find some way which is perfectly consistent 
with every principle of decorum, he is not 
worth listening to; and if that is true of him, 
it will be because he did not have his share 
of the right sort of home life and training. 



35 



<3oot> jform. 



In the social world, where Good Form is as 
binding as the Decalogue is to the Christian, 
fathers and mothers have made it impossible 
for a young woman to think of entertaining 
her young man friend shut away alone with 
him. Strange to say, it has been the mod- 
est home, the Christian parent, who has 
allowed Satan to set this trap for unwary 
feet by leaving the young daughter, without 
one word of instruction, to entertain some 
young man, perhaps a stranger, who passed 
as her lover, shut away in the "parlor," 
while everybody was given to understand 
that no one must disturb the mysterious 
solemnities of "keeping company/' even if 
they should continue into the small hours. 
And as a result of this disregard of simple 
good form, which is as a fence against rec- 
ognized danger, untold sin and sorrow have 
resulted. 



The most worldly society decided long 
ago that it is very "bad form " for boys and 
girls of school age to think of lovers, of en- 
gagements, or of marriage. Not until the 
day of childish things is entirely passed, not 
until a young man has some settled purpose 
in life, some business or profession which 
insures an income, does " Good Society," as 
it is called, smile upon any "serious inten- 
tions " between young people, and every ef- 
fort is made to hold the children of the 
social world to this regulation. 

All this is because of the fact which can 
not be repudiated that premature thinking 
along these channels is unhealthy, and dis- 
qualifies the youth for any real earnest 
preparation for practical life. 

The world theoretically considers these 
preparatory years so important, and educa- 
tion so vital, that with every possible device 

36 



37 



(5ooD jform 



it seeks to keep the children unconscious 
of sex, and of the burdens which this con- 
sciousness always brings, until they have 
attained something like maturity. 

Of course the world fails, because it is try- 
ing to do by sheer force of human will, and 
by human methods from outside influence, 
that which can only be accomplished by the 
growing from within of a divinely planted 
principle. But that which the world is strug- 
gling after, that about which it has made so 
many laws, has written and talked so much, 
and in which it is so often foiled, Chris- 
tian parents ought to find practical and easy, 
because of the power of the Spirit which al- 
ways accompanies every truth. 

It is a fact, however, that many worldly 
homes have succeeded at this point, because 
they have faithfully taught the principle, even 
if without prayer or faith ; while many Chris- 
tian homes have failed, with all their praying 
and so-called faith, because they have ig- 



(Soofc jform. 38 



nored the principle that marriage is for men 
and women, not for children ; and that any 
association which takes cognizance of sex 
must be for marriage only; that if it is for 
any other object, it is coquetry, flirting, and 
consequently immoral. 

This should be so faithfully taught to the 
growing child, and all words and conduct in 
home and Christian social life should be so 
under the control of this principle, and ne 
should be so taught those habits of social 
intercourse which will protect him from pre- 
mature and unhealthy thought, that he shall 
be able to grow up to the time of his own 
home-making untrammeled by the entangle- 
ments of unhallowed associations and their 
distracting memories. 

Here again the boundaries of safety are 
marked by things which seem trivial. The 
social world counts it as " bad form " for 
young people to even shake hands upon in- 
troduction, because it has found out to its 



39 



<5oo5 3Form 



shame and disgrace that there is danger in 
a hand-shake ; and I am free to say that this 
social extreme is better than the freedom 
which sometimes obtains, because by that 
the young people become practised in a 
looseness of conduct which opens the way 
for trouble. 

"Good form" toned down from the ex- 
treme rigidity of the social world, so as to 
meet the requirements of ordinary Christian 
intercourse, would teach that the hand-shake 
should be just what its name indicates — a 
clasp, a shake, and then a drop. Teach 
your son that he should never place any 
lady in the embarrassing position of having 
her hand crushed, or held one second ; for if 
she has been properly taught, she will be 
sure that he is either ignorant, careless, or 
ungentlemanly in so doing; and if she is 
herself ignorant and careless, if she is weak 
enough to allow her hand to be held, she is 
in a condition where she needs to be pro- 



<5oo& jForm* 40 



tected from herself; and your son should be 
able to be that protector. 

Teach your daughter that if any man 
clings to her fingers when she has given 
him her hand in friendly, cordial fashion, if 
he takes the liberty of placing his other hand 
under her elbow, or taking hold of her arm, 
that it is her privilege and duty to teach him 
that he has committed a breach of good 
manners by withdrawing her hand, forcibly 
if she must, and stepping out of his reach. 
And any young man who is worthy of her 
friendship will in his heart thank' her for the 
rebuke, and profit by it. 

Many a boy who has grown up in a family 
of sisters, and among their friends, has, in 
going out into the world, had to suffer over 
and over such tortures of chagrin and shame 
as were almost unendurable before he could 
learn those little things in "good form" 
which should have been taught him by pre- 
cept and example in his home from child- 



4i (Boofc jform 



hood; and for a lack of the right teaching in 
this " hand-to-hand " relation, many a boy- 
has been taken captive by shameless women, 
simply because he practised in the wider 
and more wicked world the free habits which 
were common in the neighborhood life at 
home, which, while neither right nor safe 
there, were not absolutely dangerous, be- 
cause each knew everybody, and all were 
held to respectability by the short rein of 
close social relations. 

Teach your daughter that it is not " good 
form " to allow a young man in walking 
with her to support her steps in any way, 
unless she has suffered some sudden injury. 
A sprained ankle would excuse any neces- 
sary help until a carriage could be called ; 
or, if this were out of the question, until 
she was taken home. If she must have 
help, let her take his arm, and hold on ; but 
teach your boy never to place his hand on a 
lady's wrist, and lay her arm along his own, 



<3oo& jform. & 



holding her by hand and elbow. This is a 
most vulgar method of supporting any ex- 
cepting one's own wife, sister, mother, or 
some aged woman. 

There is no possible reason why any 
young woman, who is in health, should, 
even after dusk, need support from any 
man. She ought to be able to keep her 
place in the road or field, or on the side- 
walk, just as well as he can, and walk inde- 
pendently of his hand or arm. The notion 
that a woman must have a man's arm for 
support is off the same loaf with all the other 
nonsense which belongs to all the rest of 
that 1 ' clinging-vine theory " which assumes 
that she is of necessity so much the weaker 
as to need his constant attention and care, 
especially as long as she is young and attract- 
ive. The old and wrinkled woman can as a 
rule take care of herself. 

Woman has been made weaker than man 
by the sinful habits of life to which social 



43 



©oo& jFotm 



custom condemned and held her during the 
Dark Ages. This subjugation was her part 
of the entailed curse. But from this, with 
all its disabilities, she is to become free in 
Christ ; and our daughters trained in Chris- 
tian homes should at least be able to walk 
anywhere that a young woman ought to go 
without leaning on some man for support. 

How much more graceful are the movements 
of men" and women as they walk together, 
keeping step, but far enough apart so that 
each is perfectly free, than when locked to- 
gether by the arms, especially in daylight, 
on a smooth path. 

As age comes on, it is a beautiful thing to 
see a son or daughter supporting the steps 
of father, mother, or grandparents \ but it is 
a pathetic scene, the beauty of which de- 
pends entirely upon its necessity. As a 
show of any special regard which two peo- 
ple may have for each other, it is ridiculous. 



VI. 



Good form requires that in passing 
through a door or gate the younger shall 
always stand aside for the elder, and that 
care shall be taken to open and keep the 
door, especially if it swings both ways, so 
that it shall not hit any one in coming to. 

I was once forcibly reminded of this arti- 
cle of the " good-form " code by seeing a 
vigorous young college student rush through 
a door without any regard to an elderly 
woman whom he met in the passage, and 
whom he almost knocked oft her feet in the 
encounter, leaving the outside door to swing 
back against her slender hand as she caught 
it to prevent its hitting her in the face. He 
seemed utterly oblivious to the fact that he 
had met any one, and by this unconscious 
rudeness he published abroad the fact that 
he had been reared in utter disregard of or- 
dinary courtesy. This young man is trying 

44 



45 



<Boo& jform. 



to do what is right ; he wishes to do a good 
work in the world, but he is destined to 
feel the handicap of bad breeding, for which 
he is not responsible. He will be responsi- 
ble, however, for continuance in bad form ; 
for bad breeding may be made temporary 
in its effects by an earnest purpose to re- 
place it by true culture. I knew a young 
man whose birth and surroundings in boy- 
hood were as unpromising as could be imag- 
ined. His father was a very low, ignorant, 
drunken fellow, unclean and disgusting in all 
his habits, even when sober. His mother 
could neither read nor write, although she 
was possessed of intelligence and many 
true, womanly instincts, such as made it 
possible for the hovel in which they lived to 
bear some semblance to a home. This boy, 
who was the eldest of a large family, was 
bright enough to attract the attention of a 
" district visitor, " was clothed, and taken to 
the Sunday-school, and from thence went on 



<Boo& jform. 46 



through a career of self-denial, self-training, 
and culture, always seeking the best things, 
holding every advantage gained from point 
to point, finishing his preparatory work as 
one of the most polished and consecrated 
young men of a large college circle, paying 
his way by skilled labor in a machine-shop 
for a few hours each week, while he was be- 
ing equipped for a large field of usefulness. 
He became especially distinguished for the 
elegance of his deportment toward all with 
whom he chanced to be brought into asso- 
ciation. It was often said, " He never for- 
gets himself/' " He always does the admira- 
ble thing, 99 " You can depend on him to do 
the elegant always," and the beauty of it all 
was that this was a part of his Christian life. 
He was always wanted, but the social world 
that coveted him knew that he could not be 
had for anything that was inconsistent with 
Christ. 

Teach your boys and girls this principle 



47 



(Boot) jForm. 



of deference to their elders, by example, as 
well as precept. Bring them up to practise 
it, with every other expression of cultivated 
manners, among themselves as brothers and 
sisters. The elder ones should, of course, 
never demand deference ; that would be 
the worst of all bad forms. No true lady 
or gentleman will ever notice any disregard 
of personal rights. To demand this recog- 
nition, or to manifest resentment at its omis- 
sion, is to forfeit one's claim to it; but let 
each be ready to recognize the right of seni- 
ority, and that it is at least graceful for 
the younger ones to yield place and posi- 
tion to their elder brothers, sisters, and 
friends. 

A well-bred girl or woman will open and 
hold the door for an old, elderly, or feeble 
man; will enter after him, and close the 
door herself, although he, if he has been 
trained in the habits of the "old school " 
of gentlemen, might insist on rendering to 



<Boo& jf ornu 4 » 



her the courtesy due her sex, and wait for 
her to pass, even if she should be young 
enough to be his granddaughter ; but it will 
be a gracious act for her to unobtrusively 
hold the humbler place which properly be- 
longs to her, and wait until he passes in, 
unless, as might sometimes happen, she 
would be in danger of attracting undue at- 
tention by making longer effort to thwart his 
courteous designs, as well as possibly cause 
delay to others. In such a case she should 
quietly thank him, and pass on as quickly as 
she can without haste, so as to get out of 
the way. 

Among men and women of the same gen- 
eration it is expected that a man will be 
always ready to perform all those little chiv- 
alric courtesies for women everywhere which 
he would like other men to tender to his own 
mother, sister, wife, or special friend, and 
no more. For a boy or man to treat any 
other woman of the same age better than he 



49 



<3oot> jform 



treats his own mother, sister, or wife, reveals 
the bad, disloyal heart which will taint the 
very best social "good form " with corrup- 
tion. To demand from others for one's per- 
sonal friends better treatment than he himself 
gives, is to at once publish that he is guilty 
of the most contemptible form of selfishness. 

"I let no man abuse my folks but my- 
self," was the frank confession of a young 
man who was always ready to fight any one 
who would treat his " folks " with anything 
like the neglect and disrespect that was his 
constant habit. 

The little attentions which should become 
habits in youth, because they help to that 
appearance which will serve as adornment to 
every good doctrine, is the placing of the 
chair in the most comfortable position pos- 
sible for another; seating grandfather or 
grandmother, father or mother at the table; 
the adjustment of a light; picking up the 
article that has been dropped; not waiting to 



<Soo£> fform. 50 



be asked to help if you should see that father, 
mother, or in fact, any one else, is looking 
for something which they do not seem to be 
able to find quickly, or if they are trying to 
save your steps by getting along with some 
inconvenience which you can see might, by 
a little effort on your part, be made to give 
place to convenience. 

Nothing is ever lost "in the long run" by 
that sort of thoughtful care for others which 
is known as politeness. In traveling, or in 
passing in and out of a crowded church or 
hall, the truly well-bred man will never be 
found struggling in the midst of a jam to 
get through the door into the best seat, or 
up into the train before any one else. If he 
should be caught in a jam, he would not 
elbow people right and left; but would, 
while protecting his own person and those 
who are dependent upon him from injury, 
find his own chance of getting out of the 
tight place by helping others out. 



5i 



<Boo& JForm 



In this selfish world nothing so quickly 
touches the popular heart as that sort of 
Christlikeness which is recognized as polite- 
ness to strangers in public places, and as 
carefulness in helping the weak, and in re- 
fraining from adding burdens to those who are 
hard-pressed by responsibilities. The man 
or woman who obtains control of the highest 
quality of influence is the one who has either 
from childhood been trained to think those 
thoughts that blossom out into beautiful con- 
siderateness, or who has taken himself in 
hand, and by vigorous self-training has 
pruned off the growth of selfish heedlessness, 
and grafted in the gentler graces of the 
Spirit. 

One W. C. T. U. lecturer had been pain- 
fully impressed by the fact that baggagemen 
had to handle such heavy trunks. This was 
before so many little wheeled contrivances 
had been placed at their disposal. She ac- 
cordingly supplied herself with two small 



600& jfornu 5* 



trunks in place of the one large one, for no 
other reason than to save the backs of the 
men. Her kind intention was kept to her- 
self for years, and it went unrecognized at 
its full value until at length one day she en- 
countered a grumpy old baggageman, who 
seemed to have a special grudge against any 
woman with two checks. He was from the 
first moment very uncivil, and threatened 
her with a charge for excess of baggage. 
She said but little, only went quietly along 
the baggage-room with him, identified the 
two diminutive parcels, and waited. He 
looked at them, then at her, colored like 
one who was ashamed of himself, and 
said : — 

"Be them all?" 

" Yes, those are all." 

" Well, what made you make two of 'em ? " 
4 ' That is my way of helping to lift one 
big trunk," she said. 
" Your what?" 



53 



(Boofc jform 



"My way of helping you to lift one big 
trunk." 

"It is? Well, I never! You did it to 
save our backs ? " 

"Yes: I never wanted any old man or 
boy to strain himself over a big trunk for 
me, so I divided mine in two." 

"Well!" ejaculated the grumpy old fel- 
low, who evidently did not know anything 
more to say. His whole heart had suddenly 
mellowed, his eyes grew red, and his hands 
trembled as, taking off his cap, he changed 
those checks with the air of one who was 
performing an act of religion. 

When he came with the two little bits of 
metal to the waiting passenger, still carrying 
his cap in his hand, and when she took them 
with a "Thank you," and put them in her 
purse, he looked timidly into her face as if 
to see if he could possibly be forgiven. She 
chose not to make much of the incident, so 
she did not seem to notice his perturbation, 



<5oo5 JForm* 54 



but with a simple " Good day," left the bag- 
gage-room. But she knew very well that 
that old baggageman would never forget, 
and would perhaps be kinder to all the big 
trunks in the future for the sake of those 
little twin products of her kind intention. 



"How I wish I knew just how one ought 
to behave in going into public places, meet- 
ings, and lectures/' said a young woman re- 
cently. Others have asked similar ques- 
tions. I have heard something like this 
more than once: "Isn't it dreadful not to 
know the little things that would prevent 
folks from looking at you and smiling in 
such a mean way? n 

It is "dreadful/' as well as unnecessary 
that children should be left to grow up 
ignorant of any of those things, great or 
small, which will make it possible for them 
to enter the schoolroom, the church, the 
hall, and move about in such a manner as 
not to be objects of unpleasant observation 
to those who make politeness a profession. 

All that has been said about the opening 
and closing of doors, and the rules of prece- 
dence, are always in full force, and should 

55 



6oot> 3Form. 56 



become so automatic that they will never 
have to be remembered. Even at home, and 
in the small country schoolhouse place of 
worship they should be observed, if one 
hopes to always do the "nice way." 

In a small congregation where "every- 
body knows everybody," there is a great 
temptation to fall into very lax manners, 
and so to cultivate habits that are hard to 
overcome, and which will cause chagrin by 
and by to the young man or woman who 
wants to appear well among strangers. 
Therefore it is wise to train the children to 
such deportment in the small church, or 
cottage meeting that they shall never be in 
danger of bringing reproach on the home 
which they have left behind them, by un- 
couth or disorderly behavior in any public 
assembly. 

Any place of worship should be entered 
quietly, children and parents together, single 
file, in such order that there will be no 



57 



0ooD tfotm. 



jostling, crowding, or changing of places. 
There are two ways of seating a family, 
either of which is good form. In one case 
the father enters first, followed in order by 
the mother, the youngest child, and then the 
others according to age, so that the eldest 
comes last. At the opening to the pew, or 
row of chairs, the father turns, standing to 
face the others, and waits until all have 
passed in and are seated, when he takes his 
place at the entrance. This arrangement 
gives the mother the seat in the farther cor- 
ner, with the " baby " beside her, while the 
eldest child is next to the father. 

In the other case the eldest child leads, 
and passes into the farther end of the seat, 
followed by the other children in such order 
as to leave the "baby" next to the mother, 
who sits in the second place from the end, 
beside her husband. 

Sometimes when there is a large family, it 
is necessary to separate the children by pla- 



(5oo& jForm, 



cing the mother in the midst of them be- 
tween two restless ones. But whatever or- 
der is necessary, let it be so matter-of-course 
that the coming in and seating shall be in 
that decorous manner which will impress the 
children with the sacredness of the service 
for which they have come. 

Teach the child that in entering a seat or 
row of chairs, good form requires that he 
shall pass clear in to the farthest vacant 
place, or that if he has dropped down in the 
end or middle of the row, and others come 
to claim seats beyond him, he should always 
either arise, come out and stand to allow 
them to pass in, or himself go on to the 
farthest place. Teach him, never, under 
any circumstances, to make it necessary for 
any one to climb over his feet and legs to 
reach a vacant place. This is one of the 
most common and worst forms in which 
bad training in deportment manifests itself. 

Also teach your child to refuse to climb over 



59 



<3oot> jform. 



anybody's feet. Instruct him either to wait for 
a decent chance to enter that seat or to find 
another. The ludicrous, not to say unbe- 
coming appearance of a woman who tries to 
drag herself over the knees of some man 
who remains immovable in the end of the 
seat, or who attempts to draw himself up to 
"make room" for her to pass, is entirely 
out of harmony with the spirit which should 
prevail in a place of worship ; and the 
young man coming from home with this 
habit, which has been formed by climbing 
over his brothers and sisters, as well as 
parents and guests, and letting them climb 
over him, will be left some sad day to won- 
der why people stop at the entrance to the 
pew where he sits, wait an instant, look at 
him so queerly, and then pass on, as if 
they were not willing to occupy the same 
seat with him. He may think it is because 
he is from the country, because he is not 
stylishly dressed, because they are very 



<3oo& jform. 60 



et stuck up," when it is simply because they 
do not choose to climb over his legs to find 
a seat. 

But your daughter should be so taught that 
if she must stand in the aisle and wait for 
some man to get it into his head that he had 
better move on, or come out so as to allow 
her to pass, she shall do it kindly and with- 
out contempt; for, of course, the poor fellow 
would do better if he only knew how. 

Teach by precept and example that wraps 
and rubbers should not be put on until after 
the benediction. If your boy should grow 
up to the dignity of door-keeper in the 
house of the Lord, he should know that 
extra seats should never be removed from 
the aisles, nor doors be opened, until the 
last " amen " has been reverently uttered. 

I believe that reverence and a proper 
understanding of the meaning of the sacred 
hours of worship would be wholesomely 
inculcated by the practise of sitting down 



6i 



6oob jform* 



in silence for two or three minutes after the 
benediction, or long enough for any nec- 
essary things to be done, such as the orderly 
passing out of the congregation might re- 
quire. 

Good form requires that there' be no loud 
talking, visiting, laughing, bustling, or con- 
fusion of any sort in the breaking up of a 
congregation. In fact, instead of a break- 
ing up, it should be a melting away, each for 
himself seeking to hold in thought, and 
carry with him all that is possible of the 
subject which has been considered, avoiding 
everything which tends to dissipate or to 
divert the mind from its contemplation. 

This is the good form which nominal 
Christians require and teach. It is only 
the form, if you please, at the best dead, by 
which the worldly professor seems to be try- 
ing to make up what may be lacking in real 
spiritual worship ; but that very fact proves 
it to be more than ordinarily worthy of con- 



<Boo& jform, 62 



siderationand adoption by the most spiritual. 
Upon the same principle that our righteous- 
ness must exceed the righteousness of the 
scribes and Pharisees should our courtesy 
and good breeding exceed that of the most 
cultivated people of the world. 

That behavior which everybody t recog- 
nizes as becoming the house of the Lord, is 
that which would most certainly distinguish 
Jesus if he should come in among us ; and 
the true worshiper who will clothe himself 
with these gentle, Christlike graces of con- 
duct will be no less truly a Christian, while 
he will certainly be more quickly recognized 
as such. 



vm. 

One of the evils which the good-form 
code is intended to control is that of the 
money and gift obligations, and the part 
they play in the association of young people ; 
and in this the burden of preserving the just 
balance falls upon the young woman, al- 
though it is equally necessary that both boys 
and girls shall be so instructed that they 
shall each contribute an equal share of that 
mutual protection which good form is in- 
tended to assure. 

A sentiment still lingers in the social 
world — a relic of medieval gallantry — to 
the effect that a young man must grant any- 
thing that a lady asks, even if, to secure it, 
he must risk his life, or character, or the last 
" quarter " with which he was to buy his 
dinner. This asking on her part need not 
be really asking : it may be only suggesting, 
or consenting to accept. She may only 
63 



(Boob jform. 6 4 



exclaim, " Oh, would n't a sleigh-ride be just 
too lovely for anything ! " She may have 
become naughty enough, without intending 
any harm, to say this on purpose to make 
the boy whom she delights to tease begin 
mentally to count over his small supply of 
change to see if he can possibly afford thfc 
rig. Girls have been known to take a queer 
sort of delight in leading a young fellow on 
to spend his last penny, to contract a debt, 
and go hungry, because he did not bravely 
refuse to take the hints that were intended 
to lead him into expenditure such as he 
could not afford. 

No girl who has been properly trained, or 
who has truth and the elements of womanli- 
ness within, will ever resort to any such ex- 
pedient for her pleasure, but will keep herself 
from all or any such social entanglements as 
would lead to anything so base. She will not 
allow a young man to place her under obiiga 
tion, even to the extent of car-fare. 



6 5 ©oo& jform* 



Teach your growing daughter that to 
receive a gift of any sort from any boy or man 
outside of the immediate circle of intimate, 
well-known family friends, is dangerous, if not 
disgraceful. Gift-giving and gift-receiving has 
come to be a vice. It is often intended as a 
sly, covert method of buyingyoxi. Gifts are em- 
ployed for " padlocking the mouth" of those 
who know something which, if told, might 
spoil some selfish or criminal plot; and this is 
by no means confined to Tammany Hall. 

Many a girl has kept some dangerous bit 
of knowledge hidden in her secret thought, 
and has been compromised by it, simply 
because she had thoughtlessly accepted some 
bauble from some man whom she supposed 
to be a friend until, the ulterior motive being 
revealed, she discovered that the gift was a 
bribe, and its possession a confession of dis- 
honor; and then she has found herself in a 
great strait between her desire to be free and 
yet to keep the trinket, 
s 



<3oo& jform. 66 



I had given a plain talk to a company of 
schoolgirls; and many questions had been 
passed up to me, in answering which I had 
touched some of these points. At the close 
of the meeting, a few girls lingered to speak 
to me, each waiting to ask some questions 
" all for herself alone." So while the others 
waited at a safe distance, they came, one by 
one, to whisper their perplexities in my ear. 
How my heart was taken captive by those 
girls, as with shamefacedness, with trembling 
lips and burning cheeks, they asked me 
questions which were revelations both of the 
lack of early home teaching and of the 
methods by which an evil world had tried to 
make them wise! 

"I have got afraid of a lovely necklace 
that my friend gave me," said one of them. 
"I've wished a hundred times he hadn't 
given it; but what in the world can I do 
with it?" 

" Send it back to him," I said; " tell him 



67 (Boot) jForm 



you know more now than you did when you 
accepted it, and that you can not keep it." 

"But that would make him furious. I — 
I — dare not make him angry." 

"Then if he is so dangerous, you cer- 
tainly dare not have him for a friend. If he 
is worthy of your friendship, he will under- 
stand and respect you all the more for this 
course. If he is not worthy of your friend- 
ship, the sooner you find it out, the better." 

"O — but — ," and the poor girl burst 
into bitter weeping. Then after a few mo- 
ments, with a sudden firm resolution ex- 
pressed in her face, she dried her eyes, 
looked up at me, clasped my hands as if to 
hold herself by them, and said, " I'll do it, 
— I'll do it right off, — and if he wants to 
make it hard for me, he may. I've kept 
honesty — God knows I have, — and he knows 
it, though he hasn't helped me, as he said he 
would. " 

"He promised to help you?" I asked. 



©oofc> jform. 68 



"Yes, he did; he said I could trust him; 
that he y d never let a girl be compromised in 
his company in the world; but if I had done, 
and gone, as he insisted, lest if I did n't he 
would have been provoked, I should have 
been talked about long ago. I thank you so 
much. I '11 get rid of it. He may have his 
old necklace, and keep it to give to his 
wife." 

"That is right," I said. "She is the 
only one who can wear or own it with 
safety." 

The young man with a good heart, who is 
well taught in that which is best in good form, 
will never offer to any lady outside his own 
immediate family circle any gift but flowers ; 
and those in the most delicate unobtrusive 
manner, such as will leave her, in receiving 
them, absolutely free to pass them on to 
some hospital patient if she chooses. To 
make her feel, by even a look, that she is 
under any obligation to wear a flower be- 



6 9 <5oo& jform 



cause he sends it, is to rob it of its fragrance 
and beauty, and make it fit only for the 
dust heap. 

Because of the possibilities which I have 
suggested, and many others to which they 
lead, good form requires that a young lady 
shall make it practically impossible for any 
man not intimately related to her to spend 
any money, or force any gifts, upon her. 



IX 



I should not do my whole duty if I did 
not make some reference to the "holy 
kiss/' nor yet contribute what I can to 
enlighten the mothers who honor me by 
reading my book concerning the universal 
but almost unspeakable questions that are 
always coming into the minds of young peo- 
ple about this sacred form of salute. You 
may know as much about these questions as 
I do, perhaps more ; but there is many a 
mother who never dreamed that they could 
infest any brain but her own, and she never 
dared speak of such a thing. 

One girl came to me, her face suffused 
with blushes, but with a determined expres- 
sion about her mouth, and said : — 

"I am going to ask you something right 
out plain, because I think you will not 
laugh. I We never dared ask anybody yet, 
because everybody always laughs in such a 

70 



7i 



©ooD jform 



mean way if you try to find out anything 
about such things ; and I 'd like to know 
how girls are going to know just what to do. 
Now it 's just this way : I am going with 
Charley, and he is a nice boy ; he wants to 
do what is right, I know he does, but all 
the boys have such queer ideas about their 
'rights.' When he takes me home from 
church or any place — and I 've just got so 
I dread to have him ; and sometimes I think 
I won't go with another boy as long as I 
live, because, you see, when I go to say 
1 Good night/ he — he thinks I am so queer 
because I won't let him kiss me. But I 
won't; I never let anybody but my own 
folks. I don't like it. I don't think it's 
nice to do that way unless it 's somebody 
you 're sure of, and love very much. He 
says I 'm queer; and he gets provoked, and 
says it 's his right, if he goes with me. Now 
I want to know — is it ? " 

"No; it is not," I said, positively, and 



(BooD jform 



72 



perhaps with a little flavor of indignation. 
"And no properly instructed young man 
would make such a claim. He is not to 
blame, of course," I added more mildly, 
" for he is young, too ; but your instincts are 
all right \ they are true ; they are of God 
who made the kiss, and gave it its own place 
in common human language. It belongs to 
the home, and to the purest Christian fel- 
lowship between man and man, woman and 
woman ; to society, never " 

"Oh, I am so glad I asked you ! " she 
said; "for I was sure my feeling about it 
was right. But you know one does n't like to 
offend one's friend, and one does n't like to 
be called queer. But what does make boys 
act so, — good boys, too, for Charley is a 
good boy ? " 

I can not bring into the compass of these 
pages all that followed in our talk, but I 
would like to give the points of truth to the 
young mothers for whom I write. 



73 (Boot) jform. 



The answer to my young questioner is 
found in the fact that boys, as well as girls, 
have been left in ignorance of the principle, 
as it is in God, of which the kiss is one 
form of expression, and have been left to 
catch up its perversion as Satan has under- 
taken to work it into custom and habit, in 
the world. Anything which Satan can not 
wholly spoil, he will counterfeit ; or, better 
yet for his purpose, make so common, if 
possible, that it shall become worthless, as 
was the case with silver in the days of Solo- 
mon, when it became as the stones of the 
street, and "was nothing accounted of." 

The kiss, made common, is ridiculous. 
To be worth anything, it must speak exclu- 
sively the language of a pure, changeless 
affection, such as is represented in the love 
of God for his children. It belongs more to 
the parent and child, brother and sister, than 
to friend and companion. It is, as before 
intimated, fraternal, not social. As soon as 



<Boo5 form* 74 



any attempt is made to drag it into society, 
it becomes disgusting, and is always soon 
driven out by storms of ridicule. Therefore 
good form has taken it in hand, and has de- 
termined its sphere and office with the most 
arbitrary insistence. And again the voice 
of society is but an echo of the voice of 
truth and purity. Good form has decreed 
that the kiss, public and indiscriminate, is 
either an indication of unmitigated rusticity, 
of shameless immorality, or is to be under- 
stood as a joke, — very funny on its first 
spontaneous utterance, but very flat if re- 
peated. Indulged in private, outside the 
sacred boundaries of the family, between 
men and women, it is unpardonable, — un- 
atonable, at least as far as the woman is 
concerned. Good form requires that every 
young lady shall be so well trained that she 
will keep her lips absolutely untouched for 
her husband, after the words have been 
spoken that make him her husband. 



75 



<3oo& jForm* 



The "betrothal kiss " of the romancer has 
been brought under suspicion in real life by 
the fact that betrothal is, in our day, not by 
any means equivalent to marriage; and the 
young man who knows the world, and yet 
sufficiently regards truth and purity to seek 
them in a wife, would vastly prefer to find 
his lady friend rigidly determined to keep 
her lips to herself as long as they two are 
yet twain, rather than to find them always at 
even his command. 

In the correspondence that has come to 
me as a result of "Studies in Home and 
Child Life," is to be found pitiful evidence 
of the ignorance in which young people are 
allowed to grow up, even in a matter which 
may seem, like this one, trivial and border- 
ing on the ridiculous. 

The habit among children of kissing every- 
body is little short of vicious. Kissing 
games of every description are considered 
vulgar, anywhere outside the immediate 



<3oot> jfornu 76 



family circle, and even then, because of the 
trend of habit, they are not good form. 

There is great possibility of infection in 
the kiss. The remains of old teeth, the 
breath and lips of those who are in any wise 
diseased, make kissing dangerous. It is 
well-nigh impossible to find a clean, sweet 
mouth in these days of human degeneracy; 
and because of these facts the little children 
are exposed to every malignant disorder that 
is afloat, and many that are hidden deep in 
the foul cisterns of the broken-down body 
of grandparents, father, mother, and the 
strangers who straggle in and use their 
" rights" on the freely rendered lips of the 
little innocents. 

The warnings of science, of which so many 
make light, are timely, and should be religi- 
ously regarded as the authority of God by 
every one who does not know within himself 
that he has so faithfully brought his whole 
being into conformity with every law of life 



77 <5oo& dform. 



and health that he is clean through and 
through, so that the sensitive lips of his 
babe can come to his with the same certainty 
of a blessing in the caress that the bee has 
when he goes to the white clover of the 
meadow. 

He, and he only, who has brought himself 
fully into harmony with both the letter and 
the spirit of Isaiah fifty-eight may freely 
give his lips to his child, out of which to 
drink his fill of love. And the home that is 
brought into this beautiful accord with 
Christ may be as the garden of the Lord, 
from which all lips shall, with every caress, 
gather that word of life that is sweeter than 
honey. 



X. 



The time is at hand when the truth must 
be taken into every lane and walk of life — 
into king's palaces, into halls of learning, 
into banquet rooms, and into homes of re- 
finement and culture, as well as to the 
haunts of poverty and crime; for the whole 
earth must be filled with the knowledge of 
the Lord. No soul must be left to arise in 
the second resurrection and say, I did not 
know the way of life, or I would not have 
been here. There are being prepared in all 
Christian homes those who shall become the 
messengers of this gospel of the kingdom to 
every rank, grade, and condition among 
men. 

This is a consideration for every Christian 
mother and father. As among the children 
of Israel every maiden held in her heart the 
secret hope that she might be the mother of 
the promised seed of David, so now, how- 

78 



79 



6oo& JForm 



ever humble and far away from every center 
of influence your home may be, however 
meager its furnishing, however much you 
may seem to lack incentive to noble effort, 
there should be inspiration in the thought 
that the little child playing about your feet, 
whose life and habits you are molding, may 
be one who shall be called to bear the 
vessel of the Lord, which is his Word, filled 
with the holy oil of his Spirit, before some 
council of earth's great men, and to answer 
for the principles by which the world is to 
receive its final test. 

By this I do not mean that he may be 
called to suffer martyrdom, — although that 
is possible — but I refer to the fact that he 
may have the yet grander ministry of stand- 
ing up to be quizzed and catechized by those 
learned in the wisdom of the world concern- 
ing all that he has been taught of Christian 
principle, health, disease, and life in the 
Holy Ghost. 



6oo& jform, so 



Unquestionably, this work is waiting for 
some select few of our young people in the 
not far distant future. Some great council 
of physicians will wish to know all about 
what the medical missionary physicians 
teach, and why; the chemists of the world 
will wish to know the philosophy of the sys- 
tem of dietetics which will keep the temple 
of God in repair; and, as is almost always 
the case among the people of the world, 
there will be eating and drinking on a large 
scale connected with all these investigations; 
and your boy or girl may have to accept the 
place as guest of honor at some such feast, 
and carry himself elegantly, for Christ's sake 
and the truth's; for the banquet, the dinner, 
the lunch, play an important part in all 
social affairs to-day, and will until the end 
of probation. 

If a man of means and social standing 
becomes interested enough in what you know 
of Christ to hear you out on it, he will make 



si <5oo5 iform* 



you a dinner, invite a few friends, and give 
you a chance to talk and tell all you know. 
And if you know how to take advantage of 
the opportunity — how to avoid giving of- 
fense by your manner of speech and habits 
of conduct; if you know how to charm and 
win by your personality, you have placed at 
the command of truth an instrument that 
can be made effective where, otherwise, no 
entrance could be gained. 

Nowhere is the observance of good form 
more necessary to one who has work to 
do in the social world than at the table; for 
here bad habits may be given such disgust- 
ing publicity as to render them a cause of 
reproach to any good cause; and the obliga- 
tion is upon every Christian home to see 
that its children are so instructed that they 
shall be ready to quickly fill any place to 
which the work may call, and to stand with 
dignity for the truth in any place that can 
be opened to its consideration, 
6 



©oofc jfortm 82 



A home of wealth and elaborate appliances 
is not necessary for such training. A child 
who is instructed in the proper use of the 
few simple things that constitute the furnish- 
ing of the most humble home, and in those 
rules of good form that ought to be the 
natural order in any place, will not be left to 
carry with him into some important convoca- 
tion careless table habits, which, under the 
pressure of a sense of responsibility, would 
certainly come to the front, in place of the few 
better ways that he might have picked up and 
stored away for occasional and special use. 

In "acting out just what is in him," he 
will not bring himself and that which he 
represents into ridicule ; the opportunity of 
giving the truth a chance to shine will not be 
lost, while honest souls are left in the dark ; 
the breath of personal contempt will not 
obscure the character of Christ, which he is 
supposed to represent. He will be accepted, 
first, because it is agreeable to look at him ; 
he will be heard because no good reason 



83 <5oo& tfotm 



appears why he should not be; and after 
that, everything will depend on what he 
really is and has down under the surface, in 
the place where he lives alone with God. 

"But," you say, "the Lord, who calls a 
man to stand in any place, will prevent any 
disaster to the cause, provided his servant is 
honest." 

Yes, God will be able to use even hi? 
servants' infirmities after he has "helped" 
them (Rom. 8:26); i. e., added to them his 
strength and wisdom. And this which we 
are considering is all in the nature of helps 
to infirmity and ignorance. It is in the 
direct line of legitimate education for the 
very best Christian service. 

The honest-hearted laborer for God, who, 
with his heart full of love, starts out fti his 
ignorance and awkwardness to "do some- 
thing" for God and souls, will find "some- 
thing " to do ; but we are now considering a 
work which every man could not do, and 
yet which some one must do. 



XL 



I must believe that the parents who fail, 
from carelessness or from "lack of ambi- 
tion " — the holy sort, which is equivalent to 
consecration and diligence — to give the child 
the best possible preparation for a good 
work, will be held responsible for the failure 
that would have resulted if God had not 
stepped in with some special helps and pre- 
vented it. 

Love for God will cover a multitude of 
social sins ; but those who are responsible 
for the sins will sometime have their re- 
proach to bear. God does not like to have 
to cover sins ; he only does it so as to keep 
things looking as tidy as possible, until they 
can be put entirely out of the way. Covet 
the best gifts for your child, give him the 
best possible social habits, and then turn 
him over to God for work, and God will 
find rare service for him. 

84 



8s (Boot) jform. 



There are many teachings as to what con- 
stitutes good form at table. It would be 
impossible for the ordinary mortal so to 
acquaint himself with them as to become a 
" social success ; " and this is far from our 
purpose. All we need care about is to see 
that the habits formed are free from any- 
thing offensive. Society is kind to one who 
is not ambitious for social distinction, — one 
who has something to say that is worth 
hearing, who represents a principle, or 
some new thing the discussion of which may 
possibly furnish an agreeable diversion, — 
very much after the manner of the Athenians 
in Paul's time ; so that even if one does not 
' 'know all the ropes," like one " to the 
Manor born," he will be received and heard, 
provided he does not blunder into the few 
things which good form has decreed that he 
must not do under any circumstances. 

Among these prohibited things are thrust- 
ing out the elbows from the side so as to 



©oo& tfoxm. 86 



push his neighbor at table ; resting the 
elbows on the table ; and' extending the legs 
under it so as to bring the feet in the way of 
those belonging, to the guest opposite. If 
any guest does these things, he may be sure 
that there will be at least three people over 
whom the best and truest things that he can 
say will have very little influence. 

The eyes of those who chance to glance 
his way will be seriously offended and quickly 
averted if he should take up even a half-slice 
of bread and bite into it. Good form says 
that bread must be broken off in small bits, 
just when needed, not spread, but with a 
small lump of butter placed upon it (pro- 
vided one uses butter), conveyed to the 
mouth with the thumb and finger of the left 
hand. You will be permitted to bite the 
piece in two once if you wish, but no more; 
that is, it must not be more than two 
' f mouthf uls " to begin with. Under no cir- 
cumstances must anything, such as fruit-pits, 



87 



(SooO jForm 



etc., be ejected from the mouth into a spoon, 
fork, or plate, but taken from the lips with 
the left thumb and finger, and placed on the 
plate. Neither bread nor any refuse is ever 
to be placed on the cloth, but on the side- 
dishes provided ; or, lacking these, on the 
one plate that is being used. 

Food should not be conveyed to the mouth 
with a knife, but with a fork, always except- 
ing soup, and such sauce as must be handled 
with a spoon. 

Do teach your children not to thrust the 
point of the spoon into the mouth, but to 
take its contents with the lips from that part 
nearest the handle, without the least possible 
sound. Teach them not to lift the spoon so 
full that it will drip ; and as your boy grows 
up into mustaches he will need to learn how 
to take soup and sauce without defiling those 
manly ornaments, or else to let soup alone at 
the banquet. But you can teach him from 



<3oo& jform* ss 



childhood to handle his napkin so deftly as 
to keep his lips clean, even after they have 
put on their thatch. 

As to the napkin, by all means habituate 
the child to its use, even if it be nothing 
more than a square of old calico or flour- 
sacking, hemmed, or even unhemmed. He 
can learn on a piece of his mother's old 
apron how to use the fine linen of the king's 
banquet-hall, and do it so daintily that the 
apron and the mother who wore it down to 
napkin dimensions will confer honor on the 
king's damask. 

O my sister mothers in the many humbler 
homes of those who love our Lord and are 
looking for his appearing, has it seemed to 
you that any of these things that I have 
written are trivial or burdensome, wholly 
outside the sphere of life in which you and 
your children will ever move ? Are you so 
overburdened with many cares that you feel, 
when the food is cooked and placed "any- 



8 9 <5oo& jform. 



how," that your part is done; that the family 
may come "just as it happens" and eat, 
simply to satisfy hunger, as do the cattle in 
the field ? Have you thought that if you 
could but get through the day anyhow, your 
duty was done ? Still you must meet the 
certainties that are before you. Your chil- 
dren must bear a part in the closing scenes 
of the world's history, — ask yourself if there 
is not something for you in these things that 
I have written. They have been written with 
a most solemn sense of their importance. 
They are a part of the gospel message; they 
concern the work which some one now in 
training must do before the Lord can come. 

The knowledge of how to prepare and 
serve a hygienic dinner, 2s well as how to 
select suitable portions and decline others, 
at a worldly banquet, may be absolutely 
necessary to the winning of souls in the last 
call to the world. 



xn. 

Nothing is of more importance to success 
in any work than conversation. How to 
converse so as to win and not wound, to 
both give and gain, is an accomplishment 
which has very nearly passed into the list of 
lost arts. And here again good form comes 
to the rescue, and by its placid but arbi- 
trary code oifsets that lawlessness into which 
even good men have fallen in excess of zeal. 

Sixty years ago the rule for children was 
that they (i should be seen and not heard," 
so that a child's talk was almost unknown in 
a company of adults. This was so wrong 
that it has reacted in a sort of wild freedom 
upon the part of the children which, uncor- 
rected, develops into the adult chatter-box 
and gossip, than which no character is more 
to be dreaded. 

Bad habits of conversation are very hard 
to break, and since it is by the "calves (or 

90 



9i (Boot) jform. 



sacrifice) of the lips " that we are especially 
to honor God, by "words fitly spoken," 
and that we are to "give a reason for the 
faith that is in us," it is not of small impor- 
tance that we should know how to talk. 
Begin with the baby, therefore, so that the 
child shall grow up into correct forms of 
speech, and into that regard of all good form 
which shall not only give him at once the 
ears, but the hearts of the people. 

I scarcely need to say, Do not use slang, 
for this is universally understood as out of 
harmony with Christian practise \ but yet it 
may not be amiss to say that even the world 
of society, whose laws of behavior we are 
considering, would ostracize one whose lan- 
guage was punctuated with much slang. An 
oath would be more tolerable to so-called 
" polite ears." 

Money, or prominence, will for a time give 
a man social passport in spite of all manner 
of ill-breeding. He can buy a place and 
recognition even from those who despise 



<5oo& jform* & 



him; but this is not the sort of recognition in 
the interests of which I am writing. I am 
pleading for that which shall gain a hearing 
for the custodians of a truth without which 
no man can live, and for the reception of 
which few are as yet prepared. It is for the 
sake of the honest souls who are in the dark- 
ness of the world's "culture" that I am 
pleading. They have a right to know all 
that the Spirit of God has been sending to 
his people concerning that all-round right- 
eousness that makes up the sum of that whole 
gospel for the whole man, which is included 
in an uttermost salvation; and some tongues 
must be so cultured as to talk the way open 
for truth just as effectually as a wag can do 
it for fun, a singer open it for a song, or 
money open it for blind boorishness; and 
the quiet mother in the home must have a 
large share of this work. 

To this end teach the child that he must 
listen when any other child is speaking until 



93 Ooot> jform. 



he has finished; never to interrupt, or, if it 
is necessary to give some information, to say, 
for instance: " I beg your pardon, but, — 93 
or, " Willie, if you please, was it not on 
Wednesday instead of Tuesday? " Any in- 
terruption simply for getting in a word 
should never be indulged. Teach him to 
wait patiently for a fair chance to speak, no 
matter how great may be the temptation to 
" thrust in his oar." This should not be 
construed to include those playful interrup- 
tions in the merry tangle of words which all 
children delight in "once in a while, " "just 
for fun." 

Teach him to avoid all abrupt forms of 
expression, such as "Give me that!" 
"Don't!" "Stop!" "Quit!" Get out !" 
" You sha'n't !" "I won't!" If he never 
hears such phrases at home, he will not be 
apt to catch them; but if he should, a few 
little experiences such as he would certainly 
meet as a man upon entering the social 



©ooD jform. 



world, with the adult equivalents of these 
words, would teach him that they were very 
unprofitable. Let him find out that he can 
get nothing in that way, and he will begin 
intuitively to cultivate his tongue to accept- 
able speech. 

It is not good form to talk at table about 
the physical organs, or the processes of 
digestion, excepting when some special occa- 
sion should require, and then it should be 
by the most delicate allusions. The men- 
tion of any form of disease, or of death, 
would be considered exceeding bad form ; 
also any malodorous topic of any sort. 
Table conversation should be such as to in- 
spire every good feeling ; appetizing, pro- 
motive of good fellowship, comradeship, 
faith, hope ; optomistic in every sense of 
the word. The children should be taught 
that no complaints or grievances are to be 
mentioned there, because such things always 
have a tendency to destroy relish for food, 



95 



<Boo& tfovm. 



and retard the process of digestion. A 
chronic grumbler at the table will threaten a 
whole family with dyspepsia. "Let your 
conversation be seasoned with salt," is a 
good injunction ; and if the Scriptural rule 
is followed at home, the child will grow up 
capable of taking the gospel message any- 
where without personal offense, even if he 
must go into many untried places. Neither 
will it be necessary for him to "premedi- 
tate ; but whatsoever shall be given ... in 
that hour" (Mark 13 : n ) he shall be able 
to speak. 

I have confined myself to the Form, — a 
form which, though good, is dead, — the letter 
of the social code, which is at best a lifeless 
thing, a burden, a barrier, often a cause of 
heart-burning jealousy, wrath, anger, adulter- 
ies, and every sort of contention. There is 
nothing so cruel as a quarrel carried on 
under the cloak of good form. The bitter 
sarcasm of a war waged with polite words 



<$oob jform* 96 



and phrases, the tones keyed to simulate 
tenderness and love, as society requires, 
but breathing of hate, makes a combination 
in which Satan is especially manifested as 
in nothing else in the world. Truly the 
letter killeth. The social code is all right, 
but, lacking the Spirit, it is a rotting car- 
cass. However, since it was modeled after 
Christ, it requires but that the Holy Spirit 
shall breathe life into it to make it an instru- 
ment for the accomplishment of necessary 
work in carrying the gospel to every creature. 

It is manifestly better to be filled with the 
Spirit than covered with all the forms in the 
world ; but good form, vitalized, will make 
any messenger so ready for any good work 
in any field that he need take no thought 
how or what he shall speak, for it shall be 
given him the same hour. "For it is not 
ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father 
which speaketh in you." Matt. 10 : 20. 



XIII. 



Even good form may be made too bur- 
densome to be endured, and it is the privi- 
lege of conscientious Christian society to 
strike the happy medium between this op- 
pressive formalism and the true kindly life 
which can cause even the violation of all 
form to be almost unnoticed. 

It is better to have the good life without 
the good form than to have the good form 
without the good life; but it is our privi- 
lege, and duty as well, to have both. 

In treating upon this subject it must not 
be forgotten that there are forms and forms. 
Each city aims to be a center of social good 
form for itself and its suburbs. Each has 
its own little peculiarities, as, for instance, 
its own manner of using visiting cards, — 
the size, shape, turning of the corners this 
way and that as signals; all of which differ 
according to the decree of the social leaders 

97 



<5ooD jform. 9 8 



of a great center of social influence; and 
yet the manners of one city would never be 
considered blunders in any other, however 
much they might differ, provided they were 
sincere, easy, adjustable, and dainty. It is 
not, however, considered elegant to ignore 
the customs of the people among whom you 
may visit. That which your hostess con- 
siders good form should be good to you 
while you are her guest, unless some prin- 
ciple is violated. Good form requires con- 
cessions to even ignorance without any of 
the " I-am-more-cultured-than-you " air. 

Because of this diversity of forms it will 
be manifestly impossible for any one to know 
just what would be considered good form in 
every detail the world over. As in every- 
thing else which involves principles and 
their application, it is true in this, that if 
you know and appreciate the opportunities, 
and keep your eyes open, you will be able 
to avoid serious mistakes, 



99 ©oot> JForm 



In reply to many questions of a miscel- 
laneous character I bind a little sheaf of 
gleanings with which to conclude this sub- 
ject of good form. 

' ' When a gentleman friend of the family 
calls, is it proper for the wife to go on with 
her work, and not go to the parlor at all to 
welcome him, but to leave him to be entirely 
entertained by the husband ? Or is it neces- 
sary that she go to the parlor, and remain 
during his visit ? Would it be proper for 
her to leave the room during his visit with- 
out asking to be excused ? " 

First of all I wish to drop the remark that 
the word "gentleman " is not good form, as 
commonly used. It has been so perverted 
and misused that it does not in these days 
even mean that for which it was first in- 
tended, — a man of especially good manners. 
There are "gentlemen of the cloth" " gentle- 
men of the turf" "the gentleman of the 
road" "the gentleman about town;" — all 
slang phrases, which have brought the word 



<3oot> Jform* 



into disrepute. The compound word 4 ' gentle- 
man " was an effort upon the part of human 
society to make distinctions which the 
Creator had refused to recognize. He 
called man "man." One can not be more 
than a man. Furthermore, the appropria- 
tion of the word " gentleman" by the "aris- 
tocracy," the fact that in the social world 
there is a "gentleman class," has made the 
expression inappropriate for universal ap- 
plication. Instead of speaking of your 
gentleman friend, speak of your man friend. 

Therefore I will say in reply to my ques- 
tioner that when a man friend calls upon the 
husband and family it is proper for the wife 
to occupy herself with some work kept at 
hand for such occasions; or, if necessary, 
after she has greeted him, and passed a few 
minutes pleasantly in conversation, she may 
excuse herself, and go to her household 
duties; but if she can do so, it is very 
cordial, and in every respect good form, for 



ioi <3oo& jform 



her to take her work, and with some grace- 
ful word of apology, such as any man would 
appreciate, go on keeping her hands busy, 
while she assists in entertaining her husband's 
friend. In leaving the room she should ask 
to be excused, unless the men are so oc- 
cupied as to make it an interruption to do 
so. If she does not expect to return, how- 
ever, she should make her adieus, and invite 
him to call again, before leaving the parlor. 



"Is it admissible for a lady to keep on 
with her sewing or mending while she is 
entertaining a caller ? Can she take some 
kind of fancy work with her while she is 
visiting a friend or neighbor ? " 

It is perfectly admissible for a woman to 
keep on with her sewing and mending while 
she is entertaining a caller, provided she 
speaks of it in some simple, graceful fashion. 
This is a much better means of manifesting 
your appreciation of a caller than to lay 



<5oo& iform. 



aside necessary work and take some fancy 
article. You can even take your mending 
with you while visiting a friend and neigh- 
bor, and it will be appreciated more than 
fancy work. In many localities fancy work, 
especially for married women, has fallen 
into disfavor among even society people. 
There is a social cult which makes much of 
everything practical. It is a fad; — here to- 
day, gone to-morrow ; but it has prepared 
the way for even a stocking-bag in the 
boudoir of some social queen : the stock- 
ings, of course, are supposed to be of the 
very finest texture and quality, and the 
darning in itself to be a piece of finest lace 
work; and yet under the cover of this sup- 
position one can take a real serviceable hose 
and do good, practical work upon it. 



•< Should the hostess offer to take the hat 
of a gentleman caller ? and where should 

she place it ? " 



io3 <Soofc jform 



If he does not at once make his hat 
at home, she should indicate where he 
can leave it. It is better form for her to 
suggest that he can hang it upon the hat 
rack or peg in the hall, or lay it on the 
table, if he does not seem to know that he 
can do so, than it would be to take it from 
him. If he has been properly instructed, as 
every boy should be at home, he will, with- 
out any effort upon her part, relieve her of 
the necessity of looking after his hat. But 
if he appears embarrassed by it, take it at 
once with some pleasant remark calculated 
to set him at ease, and place it where it 
ought to be. The proper place is in the 
hall, if there be a hall. Lacking this, any 
convenient place is in order. 



"If a man friend happens to call when 
the husband is absent and the wife alone, 
should she invite him into the parlor and 
visit with him ? " 



<BooJ> jform* io 4 



Such a friend should so time his visits 
as to make reasonably sure that the man 
of the house would be at home, but if 
he fails to do so, it is the better way to 
inform him when the husband will return, 
and invite him to call again, provided this 
would be agreeable to both husband and 
wife. It is, however, bad form to say, 
"Come again," when you mean, "Stay 
away; " very bad form for the wife to invite 
any one to call who would necessarily be 
disagreeable to the man of the house. In 
these days of moral contamination and 
prevalent gossip, good form is a conservator 
of good morals. Even as regards the wife's 
relation to her pastor, if the husband is not a 
Christian, and, as often happens, dislikes 
ministers as a class, and makes a call any- 
thing but pleasant, common politeness re- 
quires that all pastoral visits shall include 
the husband. 



ids <3oob jform 



< ' Where several are invited to a dinner, is 
it necessary for the men to escort the ladies 
to the table ? or is it better for each to walk 
out independently ? " 

In relation to dinner manners, the hostess 
is expected to decide all forms for her com- 
pany. If she wishes to make it very formal, 
she arranges just what man shall take out 
a certain woman. The couples will be so 
seated that a man and a woman will oc- 
cupy alternate places. Every woman is ex- 
pected to entertain first her own escort, and 
then to assist in entertaining the one who 
sits next her on the other side, and also oc- 
casionally to exchange a word with the one 
who sits opposite. It is not, however, ex- 
pected that one will talk all over the table, 
nor that any one voice will command gen- 
eral attention until the table is cleared, and 
the after-dinner program is called. 



" If two gentlemen with their wives should 



(Boot) jform. 106 



be riding in one carriage, would it be proper 
for the husband and wife to be separated, 
and each gentleman sit with the other man's 
wife ? " 

If married couples are riding together the 
most graceful thing is for the host and host- 
ess to take a guest to entertain; either for 
the two men and the two women to sit to- 
gether, or for the couples to exchange 
companions. It would be an exceedingly 
ungracious act for the host and hostess to 
sit together during the ride, thus leaving 
their guests to each other alone. In any 
country good form requires that husbands 
and wives should appreciate each other 
enough to consider that they are confer- 
ring a favor by giving others an opportunity 
to enjoy their society; and that they should 
at least seem to trust each other to be 
friendly to other men and women, even if 
they quarrel about it when they are alone. 
The appearance of suspicion is the most foul 



io7 



of all bad forms; it is, in fact, the very 
stench from the body of moral death. 



"Is it proper for a woman to call in com- 
pany with her husband upon a man who 
lives alone ? 

"Is it proper for a lady to visit a sick 
man who is not a relative ?" 

It is suitable for a woman to accompany 
her husband anywhere. If the husband in- 
tends calling on a man who lives alone, it is 
a very neighborly act for his wife to ac- 
company him. A feminine presence might 
brighten the home of a social hermit, and 
would surely be as a benediction to him if 
he were an invalid, or in trouble. 

In visiting a sick man it would be better 
for two ladies to go together, provided no 
interested man friend or nurse could accom- 
pany them. Yet there might be cases where 
it would be necessary, and the only Chris- 
tian thing, for a woman to call alone, if she 



6oo5 jform* 108 



must, and render any necessary care. This 
should, however, be only in case of neces- 
sity. The general rule should be observed 
as far as possible, that men should care for 
men, and women for women. 



"When leaving a reception, dinner, or 
any private entertainment, should one bid 
the hostess good night first before address- 
ing the others ? Or, if there are several 
ladies belonging to the house, would it be 
best to address the eldest lady first ? I sup- 
pose it would be the same when entering the 
house. I would like to know what the rules 
are in regard to this, if there are any." 

The hostess takes precedence of all other 
members of the household for the time 
being. If a person is required by circum- 
stances to take an early leave, and the host- 
ess, as is sometimes the case, be occupied, 
it is admissible to address others first. 
Faultless manners require that if possible 
your personal arrangements should be such 



io 9 ©ooD jform. 



that you can accommodate yourself to what- 
ever exigencies may arise, so that without 
any stress or pressure of any sort, you can 
have time to wait for an opportunity to 
speak first to the hostess, and announce that 
you are taking your leave. Then the way 
is open for any informal leave-taking and 
preparations which you may have to make, 
reserving the last word for the host, at the 
door, unless indeed, as sometimes happens, 
he stands beside his wife at the leave-taking 
as well as the reception. 



"Should the host offer to entertain the 
company himself with music, or should the 
visitors invite him to entertain them ? " 

This depends upon the kind of entertain- 
ment, the character of his visitors, and the 
proficiency of the host as a musician. If 
he is really a musician, and has something 
which he knows would give pleasure to the 
company, it would be expected that he 



(Boob jform, no 



would favor them. A few words of intro- 
duction, not of himself, but of the music, 
would be appropriate ; but it should be 
done in the most informal and unobtrusive 
manner possible. 

* ' Should one recognize and bow to an 
acquaintance when upon the opposite side 
of the street ? If one meets a person with 
whom she is but slightly acquainted and 
bows, then meets him again after an hour or 
so, is it necessary to recognize him and bow 
again? How should a lady do at the sec- 
ond meeting ? " 

In chancing to look up and recognize a 
familiar friend upon the opposite side of the 
street, a slight inclination of the head on the 
part of a woman is correct ; on the part of a 
man or boy, touching or lifting the hat ; but 
a vocal greeting at that distance would be 
bad form. It is not necessary to bow every 
time you meet in passing and repassing often 
during the day, although some sign of rec- 



in <5ool> jform. 



ognition is always good ; but when upon the 
first meeting during the day proper greet- 
ings have been duly exchanged, a slight 
inclination of the head, a touch of the hat, 
a cordial glance is sufficient. More could 
be made very tiresome if you were to meet 
often while about the day's business. 



"Is it good form to use a toothpick at 
the table?" 

It is bad form to use a toothpick in any 
but the most private manner. Its public 
appearance is always repulsive. It should 
never be used as an article of table decora- 
tion. It is one of those necessary articles 
that can never be suggestive of anything 
appetizing or graceful ; in fact, its sugges- 
tions are wholly of things concerning which 
one should be as reticent and retired as 
possible. 



"Which is the better form, — to use the 



(Boo5 jform. 



fork in the right hand, leaving the knife 
lying upon the plate, or to take the fork in 
the left hand, and use the knife to push the 
food upon it? In short, in which hand 
should the fork properly be held, and what 
is the office of the knife at the table ? " 

The fork should always be used in the 
right hand, for cutting, taking up, and con- 
veying food to the mouth, unless one is left- 
handed. In that case it should be used in 
the left hand. The knife should only be 
used for cutting what can not be cut with 
the fork, and when not in use, should lie on 
the plate. It has a very limited service at 
the table. It would be very awkward to use 
the knife to push food on to the fork, be- 
cause it is entirely unnecessary. 



"Should brothers and sisters call upon 
each other in their sleeping-rooms in con- 
nection with boarding-schools ? " 

Those who are old enough to go away to 
boarding-school should come under the same 



U3 <3oo0 jform. 



regulations in such matters as any other men 
and women must observe. The bedroom is 
not designed as a reception-room. It has 
properly only one use. If it must for any 
reason be used as a study-room, yet the fact 
that it is a bedroom makes it unfit for a vis- 
iting place. It is furthermore the usual rule 
for two persons to occupy the same room in 
the school home, and manifestly immodest 
for sister or brother to intrude upon the 
privacy of these roommates. Besides these 
considerations the association of brothers 
and sisters should be upon the same plane of 
modest deportment as between any other 
man and woman. This should be taught 
the children in the home, and practised 
everywhere, for the purpose of education and 
training preparatory to meeting the condi- 
tions which exist in the world at large. 



* ' Under what circumstances is it proper 
for young men and women to correspond 

8 



Ooofc jform* 114 



with each other ? Where not allowable, give 
reasons." 

When a thorough acquaintance between a 
young man and woman has developed into 
that association which points to marriage, 
and when they must necessarily be sepa- 
rated, correspondence is right. Such corre- 
spondence should not, however, be considered 
too sacred to share with father and mother. 
Anything that can not be shared with a good 
parent is dangerous. 

If there is good reason for confidence be- 
tween the young people who are drawn to- 
ward each other, and yet who have had no 
good opportunity to become thoroughly ac- 
quainted, a correspondence for the purpose 
of acquaintance is admissible, although not 
wholly safe. To correspond with more than 
one at a time has every appearance of evil, 
and is too often just as evil as it can appear 
to be. Correspondence, excepting as it 
leads up to marriage, should be for business 



us <5oo5 jform 



only, as brief and formal as possible, and 
should stop short when its purpose has been 
served. A religious correspondence between 
young men and women is one of Satan's 
most fruitful and profane devices. 



" Should young ladies at school be per- 
mitted to receive calls from young men ? If 
so, under what circumstances ? " 

There should be connected with the young 
women's home of every school a parlor, open 
and public to all at all times. In such an 
apartment young ladies in school should be 
able to receive calls, under proper chaper- 
onage and advice from those who have them 
in charge. Promiscuous calling would be 
bad form, and dangerous to reputation. 



"Is it best for young men and young 
women to do missionary work for each 
other ? " 

The only way in which they can do mission- 



<5oo& tfoxxn. 116 



ary work for each other is in each one making 
of him and herself the very best representa- 
tive of everything that is best and truest in 
good manners, according to the divine model, 
and then leave the detail work for young 
men to men, and for young women to women. 
Any man who must be led to Christ by 
some woman, instead of some good, broth- 
erly man, can never be saved. Any 
woman who can not be helped by some 
sister woman, or mother in Israel, can 
never be helped. 



"Is it proper for a company of young 
people to go out on a camping expedition 
for several days, even with a chaperon?" 

This would depend on the character of 
the company. One chaperon would not be 
sufficient for a company of young men 
and young women. There should be 
chaperons, — a man for the young men, 
and a woman for the young women; and if 



n7 <3ooJ> jForm. 



the company is large, there should be a suf- 
ficient number of elderly companions to give 
them all necessary protection and support in 
the enjoyment of the occasion. There could 
be no reason why a select party of young 
people, properly accompanied, should not 
enjoy an outing of this description. But in 
such a case it would be not only bad form, 
but criminal, for any young man or woman 
to take advantage of the occasion to break 
over any of the protective regulations upon 
which all should agree before starting out. 
Common politeness and good sense would 
lead each to co-operate with all to secure 
the most perfect good order in the camp 
from t>eginning to end, by daylight and 
dark. 



"Is it proper for young people to take 
moonlight rides together?" 

A moonlight ride for a company of young 
people, accompanied by fathers and mothers, 



(Soofc jform, us 



or teachers, or suitable friends of mature 
age, would certainly be proper and enjoy- 
able. Under no other circumstances. 



"What would you say to a young man 
who would stand around and talk with a 
young woman while she is at work? " 

That he was indulging in a very rustic and 
childish procedure, impolite in the highest 
degree, necessarily hindering and prolonging 
the work of the young woman, and perhaps 
complicating all the affairs of the day. 
What would I say to him? — That he had 
better go and finish his work while I finish 
mine, and then if he has really anything to 
say, come to the family sitting-room, at some 
suitable time, and we will talk it over. 



"What is the best way for a woman to 
meet indecent remarks or actions from a 
man? Should she ' scorch ' him, or slap 
him in the face ? " 



ii 9 (Boofc Jform* 

Neither. To take the slightest notice of 
him or of his remarks is to give the man 
the advantage. At such a time as this rude- 
ness would not be good form. The only- 
safe course would be to ignore him as you 
would the buzz of the locust in the tree, or 
the sound of the cable along the track of the 
car line. You are obliged to be conscious of 
its presence, but you go on your way, just 
the same, and let it buzz or roar. Whatever 
such a fellow may say or do, never turn 
your eyes one hair's breadth. Allow him 
to wonder if you are really blind and deaf. 
A word or act of even protest would give 
him a chance to reply. One word would 
call for another, and no one could possi- 
bly forecast where it would end. 

' ' What can be done with students who 
will not listen to the advice of teachers upon 
questions of proper behavior, who will not 
believe what is told them about the charac- 
ter of those with whom they are associating ? " 



<5oo& jform* 120 



Unless it is a reform school, the only thing 
would be to send them home. 



" When it is known that a young man or 
young woman in school is impure in thought, 
language, and habit, what is the duty of 
those in authority in the matter ? " 

It is impossible for any one to know the 
thoughts of any other being, so as to judge 
of their intrinsic character. The language 
and habits, when judged from your stand- 
point, may be impure, but they may be 
really only the result of wrong methods and 
circumstances over which the child has no 
control, and for which he is not at all respon- 
sible. In manner and habit he may be vile, 
and yet be no more responsible as far as 
thought and motive is concerned than he 
would be for having the measles. He has 
simply been exposed, caught it, and needs 
to be cured. But whatever the thought and 
inner life may be, if his language and 



i2i <Boo& jform. 

habits in the school association are on the 
impure level, the pupil should certainly be 
kept in quarantine at home, unless the school 
is like a hospital prepared to take the case, 
and give the treatment that will lead to 
mental and moral health. 



"In what respect does the relation of 
those in charge of a school home differ from 
that of the parents ? " 

In responsibility, during the school term, 
there is no difference. In point of privilege 
the parent has greatly the advantage, as he 
alone is capable of understanding the secrets 
which may be locked away, in the breast of 
the child, from any possible discovery by 
the teacher. The responsibility of parents, 
however, never ends, while that of the 
teacher is limited to the hours in the school, 
and the school term. The parents' respon- 
sibility covers the whole life, and can never 
be transferred. 



<3oo& jfornu 122 



" Is it good form for students in their 
work to eat bits of food from the dishes 
they are handling ? " 

It is not only bad form, but a very dis- 
gusting practise for any one to pick up things 
lying about on plates, table, in cupboards, 
or on fruit stands, public or private, and put 
them into the mouth. The only suitable 
place for eating is at the table, the picnic bas- 
ket, or the traveling lunch box, and that at 
the meal-time. The habit of nibbling is also 
productive of many very troublesome forms 
of disease. Good form requires that one 
should be as neat and tidy in the necessary 
handling and preparing of food as in presid- 
ing at or enjoying a banquet. 



"Is it good form for a gentleman to put 
on a lady's skates ? " 

Any woman who is able to skate is able to 
fasten her own skates, and should feel a 
womanly contempt for that childish form of 



i2 3 OooD 3Form 



incapacity that would make her willing to 
receive that kind of attention from any 
man. The corseted woman, trussed like a 
fowl, can not get down to her feet so as to 
put on a pair of skates; but neither can she 
skate enough to make it worth while to take 
note of her efforts. Of course she must have 
a man to perform this puerile service for her. 



"What is the proper form of accepting or 
declining invitations to receptions, wed- 
dings, graduations, etc.? Should an accept- 
ance or refusal of such an invitation be 
accompanied by a gift ? If so, what is the 
most appropriate, and the best form in 
which to give it ? " 

The above questions can all be answered 
upon the same principle. The formula of 
acknowledging invitations to receptions dif- 
fers as widely as the style of cards ; but the 
very best "good form " is for each invited 
guest in her own natural manner, in a per- 



©oo& form. 



sonal, kindly note, to either accept, or ex- 
press regrets at not being able to attend. 
Books on etiquette give an assortment of 
styles varying in degrees of stiffness, which 
you can copy if you wish, but they are the 
most ungraceful relics of dead form on 
record. 

Concerning weddings: in many circles it 
is supposed that a response to a wedding 
invitation must necessarily include a wed- 
ding gift ; but to assume that such an event 
is the occasion of soliciting silverware, dry- 
goods, and furniture is one of the very worst 
of all bad forms. The wedding gift has be- 
come one of the most troublesome expres- 
sions of social hypocrisy. If it could be 
possible to abolish it, and give society a 
chance to go back to the simple habits of 
fifty years ago, it would be a blessing in- 
deed. It is a misfortune to a young couple 
to receive even one gift that either for its 
pretended or real value would make the sim- 



i2 5 (Boot) Jform 



pie style in which they will doubtless be 
obliged to begin life seem mean. Flowers 
or books are the most suitable things to 
bring to a wedding, and even flowers may 
be so profuse as to become vulgar. This 
does not of course include those gifts that 
would naturally be made by the family for 
the purpose of giving the young couple "a 
start in life." 



What are the proper conditions and 
forms upon which introductions should take 
place ? " 

Good form requires that no man shall 
address a lady without an introduction, 
unless it be in a case of extreme necessity. 
An emergency, for the time being, nullifies all 
ceremony ; but after the emergency is passed, 
the informal acquaintance should be ended. 
Every boy should be so taught in the home 
that as he grows up, and goes out into the 
world, he will not offend against good form, 



©oo& jFornu 126 



and bring himself under suspicion by intru- 
ding upon the notice of any young woman 
whom he may happen to fancy, without the 
formality of an introduction by some one 
of whom he will have no reason to be 
ashamed. 

Good form requires that the introduction 
of any two persons should be by the desire 
of both. The slightest objection upon the 
part of either would make the introduction 
a gross intrusion. The reasons for this are 
obvious. Society has seen that after the 
introduction, anything may follow, and the 
only chance for a young woman to protect 
herself from undesirable and dangerous asso- 
ciation, may be in the rigid enforcement of 
this simple rule of rights. The proper form 
of introduction is that which is most easy 
and graceful in manner for the one who is 
to do the introducing. As in everything 
else, individuality should be given a chance; 
the spirit and manner carries much more 



i2 7 (5ooD jform 



weight than the words. Always, however, 
the person who is to be in any way advan- 
taged by the introduction, favored either in 
pleasure or profit, is the one who is to be 
presented to the other. For instance, Mr. 
Lane has seen Miss Mason, and has recog- 
nized her as one whose acquaintance he 
would enjoy. He asks a mutual friend to 
secure the privilege of this introduction ; 
Miss Mason has been asked the favor with 
the assumption that it will be entirely for 
Mr. Lane's advantage and pleasure. Miss 
Mason is gracious, and consents to grant 
the request. Mr. Lane is therefore brought 
to the place where the young lady is wait- 
ing. Never should a person who is to re- 
ceive another be asked to come to be intro- 
duced. Bring the candidate for this social 
favor, to the one of whom it has been asked, 
and upon approaching, you will say, "Miss 
Mason, allow me the pleasure of presenting 
Mr. Lane. Mr. Lane, Miss Mason," upon 



(Boot) jfotm. 128 



which Miss Mason will bow slightly, Mr. 
Lane a little more noticeably. They will 
not shake hands, but will stand, or perhaps 
be seated, and converse for a few moments, 
when Mr. Lane will take his leave, if he 
knows what is good for him, and wait for 
some further recognition from Miss Mason. 

Among very intimate friends, where it is 
well known that an acquaintance would 
certainly be a mutual pleasure and benefit, 
this formula is not always necessary. I have 
been giving the strict social good-form code, 
which is for protection against annoyances. 
It would be an unfortunate social misde- 
meanor for any person to make the second 
effort to receive an introduction which has 
been once declined, without some advances 
from the person who had made the refusal. 

When a young man desires to cultivate 
the acquaintance of a young woman, good 
form requires that before he utters a word, 
he shall frankly inform her parents of his 



(Soot) tfovm. 



wishes, and ask their consent. And this is 
right; and even if their decision is against 
him, a young man who is worthy of a wife 
will have that regard for the rights of the 
parent which will make him careful how 
he ruthlessly breaks into the family circle. 
He will give himself time and opportunity 
to win the parents, before he disturbs the 
mind of the daughter. The observance of 
good form in such matters will bring a 
blessing, and save unspeakable trouble, even 
if it should require what seems to the heart 
of a youth a great deal of unreasonable 
delay. 



< 1 After the introduction should the mu- 
tual friend leave, or remain and lead out in 
conversation ? " 

After the introduction the newly made 
acquaintances may or may not be left to 
their own devices in following up the intro- 
duction. This introduction does not under 



9 



<5oo& fovm. 130 



any circumstances bind the young woman to 
any future recognition of the person who 
has been introduced to her. She may ruth- 
lessly ignore him the next time she meets 
him without any violation of good form, it 
being supposed that she has sufficient reason 
for doing so, and he will have no occasion 
to complain. He must accept the fact that 
he has had all that he can receive of pleas- 
ure or profit from this acquaintance, and be 
satisfied with it, unless he can by some 
means so bring himself in some manly way 
to the notice of this young woman that 
she shall indicate her wish to continue the 
acquaintance. 



"What is good form in dress for an eve- 
ning reception for both men and women? 
Should gloves be worn ? " 

For a formal reception, society requires 
that a man should wear black. If the host 
wears gloves, the men should do so. If the 



i3i ©ooo fform. 



hostess only wears gloves, only the women 
wear gloves. At a wedding the bride de- 
termines whether gloves shall be worn. It 
would be very bad form to wear gloves if 
the bride's hands were bare. The fashion 
changes with reference to what is suitable 
for both men and women, but as a rule what 
is known as the cutaway coat for men, with 
a white necktie, makes an evening dress for 
any occasion. It need not necessarily be of 
expensive material. A great variety is ad- 
missible in women's costume at a reception. 
If she chooses to wear her bonnet, she may 
also wear a simple tailor-made gown, of 
very plain style and color, a traveling dress, 
or even an ordinary street dress; or she may 
be arrayed like the veriest butterfly in all the 
colors of the rainbow, and still preserve un- 
broken the rules of good form in dress ac- 
cording to the social code. But the plainer 
style is unquestionably the better form in 
every sense of the word. This is a social 



(SooO jform. 132 



concession to the conscientious Christian 
element in social life, and an effort to retain 
it; and the more truly people carry con- 
science into dress, as well as the more they 
cultivate every true Christian grace, the 
more they are appreciated even by those 
who give time and thought to what seems to 
be frivolous in custom and costume. 



"How shall one cultivate the art of con- 
versation ? " 

First of all by conversing. But to talk one 
must know and think. Select some theme of 
general interest and importance, inform 
yourself concerning it, then train your mind 
to methodical handling of it; think it over 
in colloquial form; talk about it to the home 
folks, study the dictionary for a vocabulary, 
and use what you find. It is a good thing 
to have several words at your tongue's end 
which mean the same thing, or nearly so; 
but it is very bad form to "talk book." 



i 3 3 6ooJ> jform 



You can fill yourself with the book, but 
when it comes to expressing yourself in con- 
versation, talk talk, — common language, pure 
and simple, short words such as even a child 
can understand. 

The best conversationalist is one who by 
saying but little himself (that little choice, 
clear, and true) can draw others out to a 
free expression of their thoughts, making 
even the slow and stammering to feel "at 
home. ,, 

It is bad form to take advantage of a so- 
cial opportunity to air any private opinions 
that must necessarily arouse opposition and 
controversy. Conversation should be like a 
refreshing stream, holding all truth in solu- 
tion in such form that it shall be recognized 
as sweet waters, at which the thirsty soul 
may find refreshment. The truth which it 
contains can be trusted to do its work in 
thought and life, as the iron and magnesia 
may on blood and tissue. 



<5oo& ffortm 134 



''What is the difference between good 
form, etiquette, and ethics? " 

Good form contains the bare principle, 
etiquette applies the principle, and ethics 
brings conscience into the practise of it. It 
is possible for etiquette to violate every 
principle of both good form and ethics; 
but good form and ethics will always agree 
when they understand each other, and will 
make a safe environment in which any child, 
youth, man, or woman may live, love, and 
labor. 

Nowhere is the observance of good form 
more necessary than during a journey. It 
is especially a safeguard to the young and in- 
experienced against the designing and vicious. 

The rule is that the traveling dress should 
be of the most unobtrusive character, of 
some neutral color, with no showy embel- 
lishments on hat or gown, something which 
can be readily shaken or brushed free of 



i 35 <5ooD jform. 



dust; and that every movement should be 
such as to avoid attracting attention; that no 
acquaintance should be formed with strang- 
ers, unless it be under circumstances that 
could admit of no possible question. 

It is bad form to stand and look about in 
a waiting-room, or to promenade the plat- 
form, to turn the head and gaze at people, 
or to. ask questions of any but officials. 
These things, trivial as they may seem, care- 
fully observed, help to keep a hedge of 
safety about the young woman or boy who 
is obliged to travel alone, while only a slight 
departure from these rules will often open 
the way for annoyance, and even dangers 
such as we can not discuss in these pages. 

In the matter of asking questions, the 
prospective traveler should inform herself 
concerning everything she will need to know 
of her route, etc., as thoroughly as possible, 
before she starts, so as to make questioning 



(Boot) form* 136 



unnecessary. It is dangerous to depend 
even upon men in uniform for information 
beyond certain narrow limits. Do not ex- 
pect a local ticket agent, nor yet a railroad 
conductor, brakeman, or Pullman car porter 
to know what every passenger may need to 
know in order to reach his destination. 

The man in uniform is responsible for 
knowing one or two things and seeing that 
his own end of the work is kept well in hand. 
Beyond that he has no official responsibility, 
and is often as likely to abuse confidence, and 
betray trusting ignorance, as any other man. 

If you are a young girl traveling alone, 
compelled to make a transfer across the 
city, never take a carriage or cab, but the 
common public omnibus. If you have a 
tedious wait before you, do not try to re- 
lieve it by sauntering about the depot or 
street, or any public places. Settle yourself 
down with determination to patiently and 
quietly endure in the depot, unless you know 



i 37 (5oo& Jfotm 



some suitable place to which you can go 
and spend the time. Do not ask, receive, 
or act upon any advice from any strangers 
as to hotels, or any other places where you 
could spend the hours more comfortably. 
Accept no invitations excepting from well- 
known friends, and even then not to any ice- 
cream parlors or restaurants. Nothing 
short of a family invitation to some good 
home should turn you for a moment from 
your purpose to keep closely to the line of 
travel, and endure hardness with good prac- 
tical common sense. 

Children should be taught in the regular 
routine of home life how to entertain and 
how to be entertained ; how to avoid the 
necessity of putting on " company man- 
ners 99 by always in all relations of life ob- 
serving those principles of politeness which 
are summed up in the gospel as expressed in 
that law of liberty known as the Golden 
Rule. ~ 



<Boo& jform* 138 



As a hostess, do not overload your guest 
with attention. Nothing is more wearisome 
than to be compelled to ward off continual 
intrusive efforts to make you happy and 
comfortable as a guest. See that all neces- 
sary provision is made for your guest before 
arrival, that water for drinking and bathing, 
with glasses and towels, are in her room in 
readiness. Take your guest at once to the 
room appointed without stopping for intro- 
ductions or greetings ; inquire if anything 
further is needed ; state the hour of meals, 
and any other regulations which must in any 
manner concern a transient member of your 
household ; arrange to return in a half-hour 
to lead the way to the family room for 
greetings and introductions, and then with- 
draw, leaving the coast clear for such atten- 
tion to personal comfort as is always needed 
even after a short journey. 

There may be degrees of intimacy that 
would seem to naturally modify these good- 



<5ooD jForm 



form requirements, but it would be perfectly 
safe to hold yourself to them, even if the 
guest were your own mother, sister, or 
brother. If your guest is to make a long 
visit, everything like effort to secure his 
comfort should be kept out of sight. In 
fact, all arrangements should be made so as 
to make the visit a pleasure to all concerned ; 
and this can only be done by taking him 
into the home life, and going on just the 
same in everything as if you were alone as 
a family. 

An invitation to a friend to visit you 
should be for a definite time, and should 
not upon any account be extended unless 
you heartily desire it. Not a word or hint 
should be dropped out of so-called polite- 
ness, which, if taken literally, would stay 
his departure one hour after the time limit 
has been reached. The sort of hypocrisy 
that would say, "O don't hurry orf just 
yet," when you feel in your heart that you 



<Boo& Jform* 140 



can not conveniently have the visit pro- 
longed, is very bad form, indeed, and a 
grievous wrong to your friend. 

As a guest, one should at once fall into 
the regular order of the family life as nearly 
as it is possible to do so, avoiding every- 
thing that would add to labor for hostess or 
servants. 

A guest should give no orders to children 
or servants. All requests should be made 
of host or hostess, and left for them to pass 
on as they shall see fit. Good form re- 
quires that the guest shall be blind and deaf 
to any unpleasant episodes that may occur, 
taking no part in any disputes from the 
children up, and that at any moment when 
his presence could prove an embarrassment, 
he will find it necessary to retire to his 
room, take a stroll in the wood or field, or a 
" day off" in town; and then when the time 
limit for which his visit was planned has 
been reached, he will take his departure, no 



hi <Boot> iform 



matter how warmly he may be urged "not 
to hurry." 

Give neither money nor eatables to the 
children. Make no plans which include 
them without first consulting host and host- 
ess. In fact, the guest should propose 
nothing, plan nothing. This should all be 
left to host and hostess. He should make 
of his presence a pleasure to all, which will 
leave nothing more to be desired. Let him 
find his place in the domestic economy for 
the time being, and fill it in just as helpful 
a manner as possible, remembering that here 
it is as true as it can be anywhere in the 
world, that he who abases himself shall be 
exalted, and he who seeks the most for oth- 
ers, finds the most for himself. 



XIV. 



For public teachers, and especially those 
who are in preparation for such work, this 
little book has a special message. The 
world will not sutler long nor be kind to any 
exponent of truth who offends in platform 
etiquette, or in home courtesy. Accordingly, 
I would urge my young fellow laborers to 
eschew everything in manner which could 
produce dislike or disgust in the most crit- 
ical, for that most critical may be the very 
soul to whom you are sent. 

As brethren in council together, cultivate 
only those things that can be used anywhere 
in an uncharitable world. Do not allow 
anything to become habitual that will call 
attention to any part of the body or clothing. 
Never finger the watch guard, coat buttons, 
nor the features of the face. Unfortunate 
practices of this nature have nullified the 
effect of many a sermon. Many a young 

X 4 2 



H3 ©oo& jfornt- 



man has made a farce of his testimony for 
Christ because he stood twirling his mus- 
tache; and many a Sabbath-school teacher 
has failed to hold her pupils to the truth be- 
cause her hat was filled with nodding plumes, 
flowers, or an elaborate tangle of ribbon. 

Good form insists that any Sabbath dis- 
play is vulgar, so that the woman of genuine 
social position will leave the elaborate church 
toilet to her servants, while she goes in the 
of plainest of modest apparel to the house 
God. 

One great misfortune to both home and 
church is that good form has been considered 
a sort of parade dress, to be laid off with the 
" company " clothes. The home folks have 
been compelled to tolerate anything from 
each other, upon the supposition that noth- 
ing matters at home ; when the fact is that 
there everything in dress and conversation 
matters more than in any other spot on 
earth. 



(BooJ> jfornt ha 



The home dress should be such as would 
be respectable if the wearer were called out 
by some emergency, with no time to change. 

Good form condemns the "Mother Hub- 
bard," and with good reason : Its origin was 
infamous, its suggestions are such that the 
woman who wears it can not command the 
same respect from even her own family as 
though she were clothed with a modest 
garment. 

Society can and will reject the presence 
of one who is rude in speech or conduct, and 
in this has the advantage of the home; but 
the person who practices good form in soci- 
ety, and by a sullen, fault-finding, or untidy 
manner at home flatly contradicts every pre- 
tense of refinement, shall surely have his 
reward in the covert contempt of even those 
who love him; while any, however untrained 
in the arts of "polite society," who shall 
practice those graces that make ordinary 
duties fragrant and sweet with the good man- 



H5 



<Boo& jform* 



ners of heaven, will be accepted anywhere 
by any to whom he can be sent with a mes- 
sage. Any awkwardness that a man may do 
will be pardoned beforehand for the sake of 
the beautiful spirit he is by the grace of God. 

And yet it is well to make it just as hard 
as possible for the world to reject you, and 
just as easy as possible for it to accept your 
message. 

All of which is written for the glory of 
our Lord, and to the end that the truth may 
be carried to every creature. 



The Abiding Spirit, by Mrs. S. M. I. Henry. "This book 
deals with the presence, power, and ministry of the Holy Spirit as 
manifested in the most common material things, and as needed 
for the performance of the most simple duties. . . . It is safe, to say 
that the larger proportion of common religious perplexities are 
touched upon in this book; and the way opened for light upon 
their darkness " — The Union Signal, Chicago. 

"The author takes high ground, and maintains her position 
well." — Alabama Cumberland Presbyterian. 



316 pages, cloth 

Beautiful presentation edition. 




Address the Publishers of " Good Form.' 



